A little update. Been trying to keep busy. Getting back to church has been good. Tuesday nite at the Kiersteads Home Fellowship studying faith in Hebrews 11; Wednesday nite church with Dr. Kendell on a scientific case for creation, and this evening Josh's class on the Inductive Bible Study method. I've been out of the physical loop of the church for a while and I know it will take some time to feel more a part than feeling on the outside looking in. Lot's of hugs and "we're prayin' for ya"....I say thank you so much and then again wonder "what happened?" Where's my wife? I go home and I'm supposed to be taking care of her and she's not there. Tonight I was waiting for Joyce to call - like she was up at a retreat and would call me before bed time. No call. I don't like being alone - they say that's normal and it takes time to find your new space.
I cry out to the Lord for strength and peace and patience. I'm also looking into some bereavement support systems - many others have lost a spouse they loved so much and go on to have a fruitful life. But for now, each day is a challenge to just keep my thoughts from going
places they shouldn't. Kinda rambling here - today was 2 weeks since my treasures' passing.
I've never experienced this kind of detachment and lonliness. I'm sure the Lord will use it down the road to minister to others but for now it's the pits. Sorry, I'm at a loss to finding silver linings. People console me that she's in a better place, experiencing the glories of heaven...and somehow, right now it's just hard to say "Praise God" and "Yeah, isn't that just glorious!" I know folks mean well but each condolence feels more like a knife in my heart. I know that will ease up with time as well. I guess I just don't need platitudes - just weep with them that weep.
Please understand I'm not meaning to be harsh to the many well wishers - I deeply do appreciate the time and effort to send a card or make a comment or shoot off an email - I just am having a hard time graciously processing it all. And then going home to the empty house that sings of Joyce everywhere I look. I don't want her in a better place, I want her here - and as David said of his child who died - Paraphrasing: she can't come to me - but I can go to her - someday. I just miss her so. For nearly 4 years I anticipated this happening and now that it has - it's worse than I imaginined. I need to begin healing - please help it begin soon Lord!
Kinda of a down post - sorry! Just been a hard few days. It's so good to have so many people around me who do care and want to help. May God guide us all in that process.
In His Arm's,
Pat
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Hi Pat,
ReplyDeleteI would highly recommend GriefShare - The Church Initiative.
http://www.griefshare.org/
I went through GriefShare - not just once, but twice, and then went on to facilitate it for a span of time. It helped. God used GriefShare in a couple of profound ways in my life.
1) It told me what God's Word said about the death of a spouse - what to expect - and it gave me new tools with which to live my life in a godly manner through my grief
2) It placed me around other widows/widowers - people who understood this part of my walk through life because they were there too
3) It shared God's gift of salvation with any in the group who were non-believers
4) It created a special bond as people in our group would gather and pray for others (lists of prayer requests!!!!)
5) It gave all of us people to hang out with who were in the same place in grief - very important!
What a blessing! Still lonely - but with a small light at the end of the tunnel.
It has been nearly six years and a large portion of us are still connected - a niche-position in the Body due to loss. I cannot say enough good about the ministry of GriefShare.
God bless you.
Linda Doyle Fravel
Pastor Pat,
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest about your feelings. It helps to know what to pray for. The loneliness is the 'pits' and unfortuntely it stays 'buried in you' even after things get better. There is no easy answer to grief and depression. We have our faith and trust in God, but humanly we suffer. Testing our faith is difficult. Words of encouragement cannot replace the loneliness, but it does help to know that others are with you and are experiencing some of your pain. The pain will never be to the extent of yours, after all, you had Joyce in your life for so many years. Your 'right' hand, the other part of you,is missing, the part that made you feel complete, and that is the 'pits.'
I praise and admire my sister Holly for the way she continued on without Sandy. Over 45 years of her life was given to him, yet God saw her through it all and than he BLESSED her 3 years later with a wonderful companion and husband. Holly loves Ray very much, but a part of Sandy will ALWAYS be with her. You will now have a better understanding of 'grief' and 'loneliness' the next time someone loses a loved one. God is 'molding' you each day.
PRESS FORWARD and put on the WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD.
Much love and blessings to you.
Pat,
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, your transparency and candid thoughts teach the rest of us to finally start behaving and living more *real*. How often we live out a rehearsed or standardized, cookie cutter Christian walk. Life sucks, and that's the bottom line. And you know what? It's just fine to say it out loud! Say it daily if you need to. What are we protecting Jesus from? Like He hasn't heard or seen this before? Of course he knows your life right now is the pits, we can say it without shame. We don't have to pretend it's going to get better. If it does, great. If it doesn't, well we keep pressing on.
Your life is more difficult at this hour then I can imagine. I honestly think if we could all take your transparency and adopt it into our daily interactions, we might see fewer divorces, fewer families collapsing, fewer of a lot of things.
Thank you so much for being so brutally frank. My gosh it's like a breath of fresh air.
I sure hope anyone reading your blog takes this teaching right to the bank.
Your going to make it Pat. I'm praying you'll get through each hour of each day.
Christ's love to you,
P
I tried to think of something to write because my heart breaks for you. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. Then I realized there isn't anything to say that you don't already know. I realize you're not looking for advise, you just need to talk. Thanks for letting us listen.
ReplyDeletei think you are doing exactly what the LORD had intended which is to go back to his word and get comort from that because no matter what you do you will only find comfort in HIM ...you all ready know that but i thought id say it!......but as the last person who left a comment at time such as these there are no words! just to listen and as painful as it is to write each word down it is also breaking our hearts WE WEEP WITH YOU!!! i find myself praying for you driving and in lines at stores just all the time!! the LORD has a plan a mighty plan and is it sad and painful that it happend this way? yes of course it is but did HIS word change? no HE has a plan! keep your mind fixed on him!! "CHOOSE TO" let your mind go there!! we love you pastor pat!
ReplyDeleteblessings!!
Our hearts are with you crying and feeling your loneliness. The greif counseling has helped many work through this valley; and I pray for you to become involved as many have counseled. Our prayers, love and support is continually going out to you and your family.
ReplyDeletePatrick me Boyo,
ReplyDeleteYou need not apologize for any feelings you have at this time, so just have grace with those less perceptive. When I lost my closest family, even months later I would pick up the phone to call and then remember "this line is disconnected". Go to the mountains or the sea, walk a long ways and chat with the Father, tell Him exactly how you feel, the more often the better.
time does not necessarily "heal" all wounds, it just makes them more tolerably on a daily basis. Love ya my brother - strength and honor.
I've been reading your blog from afar, have been praying for you and thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteI've really appreciated your candidness. Thank you for being so honest in not being able to say "Praise the Lord" right now. Sometimes I think those platitudes are meaningless and almost harmful to the cause of Christ. Of course you are hurting and grieving - that is to be expected.
What you may not realize though is that through this difficult time, the strength of Christ is shining through you. And that is a blessing and encouragement to so many!
Pastor Pat:
ReplyDeleteI too lost some one dear to me. In 1989 my oldest son was murdered and to date they haven't found the person or persons who did it. Take as long as you need to grieve as we all grieve differently. Don't be afraid to be angry with God. He knows our hearts and weaknessness. Do something good for yourself, I'm sure Joyce would want you to. Get a massage, take a small trip, just do something for you alone. I know the void that comes once we no longer have someone to take of. So fill it up with Godly things and be good to yourself.
Sarah
Pastor Pat,
ReplyDeleteI too have been reading your blog from afar. I weep with you with all of my heart.
Dear Pastor Pat,
ReplyDeleteDon't hold back on sharing the pain and sorrow in your heart with us, in fact, thank you. We are weeping and hurting right alongside you and praying that the Lord help you heal and guide your path in the days ahead. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." May the promises of Jesus strengthen and comfort you is my prayer.
Pat,
ReplyDeleteI pray for you on my drive into work and at night as I go to bed. I pray three things. First that God will give you the motivation to pull yourself out of bed in the morning, second that your day is blessed and busy so that you are exhausted and ready to sleep when your head hits the pillow at night and third that God would renew your spirit and vision for your ministry.
Still praying for you Pat! We will continue holding up your arms in prayer.
ReplyDelete