Laying Low

The weekend streched out a little longer because Noelle and Paul decided to stay up in LA for the weekend. That enabled me to attend the beach baptism at Oceanside Harbor yesterday afternoon. As always, it was a joy watching folks young and old wanting to follow Jesus and publicly getting baptized in the surf!

Today, Sunday, Miles was teaching and I decided to lay low at home while prepping for my Barrium E. test tomorrow. I've had to be on a clear liquid only diet today and in a couple hours have to drink a gallon of the same nasty solution I had to take when I was prepping for my colonoscopy a couple of months ago. Makes one need to stay 'close to home' to say the least!

Pray it all goes well tomorrow and the doc has all the info he needs to recommend the best course of action. It's uncomfortable facing these things without Joyce by my side.

In His Arm's,

Pat

med stuff

Thanks are in order again for all the encouraging comments and emails! Yesterday was three weeks since Joyce passed and it was a difficult day. You folks are like lights on a dark street! Just a little update on my medical stuff; got the barrium e. test scheduled for this Monday morning and the followup with my surgeon the next Monday. By then I should have a pretty good idea about what course to take with my colon problems. Resection surgery of the colon is the most likely scenario but there may be other options - we'll see.

Also, I was able to set a couple of appts. next week to begin some bereavement/grief counseling - need to get started on that because I don't counsel myself very well :-) - at least not in these areas.

Hope you all have a safe and blessed weekend.

In His Arm's,

Pat

midweek musings

Each day continues to be a challenge to stay focused and productive. I have times when I'm relatively OK and rationally accepting the fact of Joyce's death. Then, in an instant, I find myself incredulous that she's really gone. It all happened so fast. I know while I was caring for her the last few weeks of her life it seemed like everything was in slow motion. I was wondering why God was allowing her to so slowly deteriorate. Now it all seems like it happened at warp speed. Now I find myself wishing we had more time - even if it meant her still being sick - time to talk, and laugh, and watch the grandkids, and prepare for the weddings.....time just to be together. But then, on the rational side, I'm thankful for the mercy of God that she didn't have to suffer too long. I just miss her so deeply - there's an ache and an emptiness that's just hard to fathom. And thru it all, I know God is faithful to see my family and I through.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Monday

A new week has begun and I'm hoping to get thru it with a little less pain and a little more joy than last week. Speaking to the church at both services yesterday was good for me and I hope good for them. I still have a lot of things to take care of regarding Joyce's passing and I'ld rather not deal with any of it! I think a part of me is in the denial phase of grieving - avoiding or ignoring things that need to be done keeps me from acknowledging she's really gone. I know better! I've counseled others about it - but going thru it is another thing entirely.

One goal this week is to connect with some grief support group meeting in our area. I have a few options and need to pick one and follow thru.

The last verses of Psalms 31 and 32 encouraged my heart this morning:

Ps 31:24 Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD.(NKJ)

Ps 32:9-10 Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you. Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; but he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.(NKJ)

Thanks, as always, for your continued prayer for me and my family.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Good friends, good counsel

Thanks for all the kind and encouraging comments and emails to my last blogpost. Each day brings new challenges and new opportunities. Yesterday was an "opportunity" day. I was able workout at the Y with my friend, Dr. Nick, and then we followed with breakfast where I had the opportunity to express and talk thru some of my more immediate challenges.

It helped set the pace for a day of continuing the process of working thru the paperwork side of Joyce's passing. It's hard each time I have to remove Joyce's name from an account or close one of hers - I almost have to apologize to her in an odd sort of way.

Later in the afternoon I picked up my granddaughter from her day care and when my son got off work we all met Nick and his daughter for an evening Padre game at Petco Park downtown.
Jordan had never been to a game at Petco and it was the first game we got to take Kaylee too.
The Padres choked but we all had a nice time and Kaylee got to spend the night. Noelle and Paul came down from LA to spend the weekend with me as well.

So the Lord blessed with a sort of reprieve day from the previous few! Thanks again for all the prayer and concern so many are showing to my family and I as we press on thru these days of grieving and adjustment.

I hope to share a little at tomorrows services before Richard brings the study in Luke 18.

Pray your weekend is blessed and fruitful!

In His Arm's,

Pat

detachment

A little update. Been trying to keep busy. Getting back to church has been good. Tuesday nite at the Kiersteads Home Fellowship studying faith in Hebrews 11; Wednesday nite church with Dr. Kendell on a scientific case for creation, and this evening Josh's class on the Inductive Bible Study method. I've been out of the physical loop of the church for a while and I know it will take some time to feel more a part than feeling on the outside looking in. Lot's of hugs and "we're prayin' for ya"....I say thank you so much and then again wonder "what happened?" Where's my wife? I go home and I'm supposed to be taking care of her and she's not there. Tonight I was waiting for Joyce to call - like she was up at a retreat and would call me before bed time. No call. I don't like being alone - they say that's normal and it takes time to find your new space.

I cry out to the Lord for strength and peace and patience. I'm also looking into some bereavement support systems - many others have lost a spouse they loved so much and go on to have a fruitful life. But for now, each day is a challenge to just keep my thoughts from going
places they shouldn't. Kinda rambling here - today was 2 weeks since my treasures' passing.

I've never experienced this kind of detachment and lonliness. I'm sure the Lord will use it down the road to minister to others but for now it's the pits. Sorry, I'm at a loss to finding silver linings. People console me that she's in a better place, experiencing the glories of heaven...and somehow, right now it's just hard to say "Praise God" and "Yeah, isn't that just glorious!" I know folks mean well but each condolence feels more like a knife in my heart. I know that will ease up with time as well. I guess I just don't need platitudes - just weep with them that weep.

Please understand I'm not meaning to be harsh to the many well wishers - I deeply do appreciate the time and effort to send a card or make a comment or shoot off an email - I just am having a hard time graciously processing it all. And then going home to the empty house that sings of Joyce everywhere I look. I don't want her in a better place, I want her here - and as David said of his child who died - Paraphrasing: she can't come to me - but I can go to her - someday. I just miss her so. For nearly 4 years I anticipated this happening and now that it has - it's worse than I imaginined. I need to begin healing - please help it begin soon Lord!

Kinda of a down post - sorry! Just been a hard few days. It's so good to have so many people around me who do care and want to help. May God guide us all in that process.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Setting Course

Yesterday, Monday, was my first day by myself at home. Noelle and Paul were back in LA and the house was so quiet. I can't fully describe the feelings except to say they were uncomfortable. I had to force myself awake, then force myself out for a morning walk, and then force myself over to the mortuary to settle our account. Then it was over to the church for a while organizing papers and beginning the process of figuring out what to do about putting stuff in my name only. Very difficult day. A good friend invited me to go to a Padre game in the evening - but I wasn't quite ready for crowds and cheering.

Instead, I decided to drive up to Murrieta and visit with Joyce's folks for a while. They were both overwhelmed by the love shown for their daughter at her memorial service. Then I drove over to my son's home and had dinner with him and Anna and the grandkids. Those were the right things to do and resulted in a better ending of the day.

I slept better last night and was up earlier (and easier) this morning, read in the Word a while and went over a couple of devotions from Our Daily Bread. Then it was off to the Honda dealer for service on my car and over to the church for a meeting with my staff pastors.

It was agreed by all that I really need to take time to heal, to rest a while and be refreshed, and to have my passion and vision for the ministry recharged and refocused. I also have some health issues to deal with before I plunge back into the work - and there is still much work to do! So my request would be for prayer for wisdom on setting that course over the next few months and patience to wait on the Lord and not press in my own strength.

This evening, it's off to one of our home fellowship groups.

In His Arm's,

Pat

A different reality

Yesterday's memorial service for Joyce was so beautiful. The music, the testimonials, and the sweet fellowship made for an overwhelming day of love and encouragement. My family and I were so blessed by so many. It was a fitting tribute to an amazing lady!



Today I had breakfast with my sister and two nieces from the Chicago area before their flight back to the mid west. Though the time was short, they were able to spend some good time with Jordan and Noelle and the grandkids - and had some good bonding time with their west coast family.



Noelle and Paul headed back up to LA this afternoon leaving me to an empty house for the first time. The process of facing a new reality is upon me. As the afternoon wore on I found myself overcome several times with a deep sense of loss and grief. I had a choice to stay at home this evening or get out and do something. I chose the latter and headed over to church for the Sunday nite prayer meeting. It was clearly the right thing for me to do. Only a few folks had gathered and Pastor Josh led the devotion and then we all prayed for one another and for folks who were hurting and for wisdom for the leadership of our church. It was a simple, sweet time and I felt refreshed and at peace when I got back home this evening.


I'm sure I have so much to learn about living without Joyce in this new reality. She has been so much a part of me for 35 years - but I can't forget that the Lord has also been a part of that three fold cord all these years and He is still with me. So I'm not alone and that is reality.

We'll see what this week unfolds - thanks for your continuing prayer!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Company

It's late Friday evening and the day has been full with friends and family. Our long time friends from the Seattle area got in yesterday and my sister and nieces got in this afternoon from the Chicago area. We had them all over to the house this evening and had a real nice, relaxing time with them. My 4 yearold granddaughter, Kaylee, made instant friends with her Kenney relatives - and of course, was the life of the party. At one point, as a bunch of us were sitting around the patio table, Kaylee says she misses Grama Joyce - then very matter of factly says to all of us that Grama Joyce is in heaven with God and the angels and that she has a white robe on and has wings and can fly....it was just a sweet moment.

Tomorrow is Joyce's memorial service. I think I'm a little sick to my stomach just thinking about the emotions we'll all be feeling. Again, so many people are helping with the entire event!
I know it will be a hard but beautiful day of thanksgiving and rememberance.

Love to all of you!

Pat

Wednesday - late

It's been a busy couple of days preparing for Joyce's memorial service this Saturday. At times it seems sureal - like a dream. God, as He has promised, is sustaining our family. We are so missing Joyce yet so thankful she's no longer suffering. She's really in heaven! She's experiencing life beyond anything we could imagine! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

Tomorrow it will be one week since she passed.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Pictures

Pictures, pictures everywhere! Our house is filled with pictures of my Joyce from her childhood to just weeks before she passed. Her joy filled smile and twinkle in her eyes leaps out to us as we sort thru hundreds of captured moments. I spent most of the day keeping busy with things related to Joyce's memorial service this Saturday. Took a lot of phone calls and heard from many old friends.

I still feel like she's only at a retreat or on a short missions trip to Belize and at any moment the phone will ring and I'll hear her say "I'm on my way home!" While I was running errands today and headed home, I would insticntively grap my cell phone to call her and let her know I'll be home in 10 minutes...been doing that for years!

Life indeed is going to be very different - not bad, just different; a "new normal" a friend of mine said, would be found.

Thankfully the Lord is the same, yeasterday, today and forever. His grace is sufficient to see me and my family thru. What firm a foundation we have in Christ. May He continue to use all of this for His glory!

In His comforting Arm's,

Pat

Anniversary

7-7-07. 34 years ago it was 7-7-73 and Joyce and I shared our vows and became husband and wife. How odd it is to not hear her voice or melt at her smile on this day. I still expect her to pop around the corner and ask me something. But two days ago, death parted us. She's in glory now and forevermore. I have more days appointed here before I can see her again. And I have more days to press on with life and ministry both for my family and my church.

Today we began planning for Joyce's memorial service. Pray for strength and peace as we prepare for Saturday's service.

In His Arm's,

Pat and Family

A day without; 7-6

Today was my and my family's first day without Joyce. Last nite in bed in the middle of the night I thought I felt Joyce's arm touch my shoulder and face; it sort of jolted me awake as I realized she wasn't there. My theology doesn't leave room for such things - but my heart and soul and spirit crave another touch, a whisper, a wisp of a kiss. And of course I long for the day I will see her again in glory.

I slept Ok but woke this morning feeling so empty and sad and sort of aimless. My kids and I had to take care of some things at the mortuary this morning - and I was able to see Joyce's still smiling body one last time. I wept harder than I ever had - and kissed her one last time on her now cold lips - it was still sweet. Then we quietly headed home; took care of some errands and just prayed for the day to be over. Our granddaughter Kaylee was over for a few hours and she always brings a special joy to all of us.

I think we have settled on initial plans for her memorial service. It is being planned for Sat, July 14 at 11:00am at Emmanuel Faith Community Chruch in Escondido, with a reception immediately following. More on that later - for further info just call Calvary Escondido - 760-489-6255.

In His Arm's,

Pat and family

She's Home! July 5th

At 10:15 this morning, the 18th day of her final fight, my Joyce took her last breath here on earth and her first breath in her resurrection body! I was so blessed to be sitting by her side as her rapid breathing slowed, paused and then stopped. A large tear formed in the corner of her right eye, a couple short breaths followed and then her three and half year fight with cancer was over.

My daughter Noelle and her fiance, Paul, my son Jordan, and Joyce's sister, Nancy, were with me when she passed. Christi Olson had just arrived for the morning watch. As precious as each one helping us was - we are all thankful the watch is finished.

We haven't settled on the day or time for a memorial service - but it will likely be towards the end of next week. The info will be posted here and on Calvary Escondido's web site.

I don't know what else to say right now except, thank you all for your encouragement and support these past few months.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

In His Arm's,

Pat and family

Day 17 - July 4

Joyce is still with us. We are still watching and waiting and loving. Vitals continue to drop but Joyce holds on til her appointed time. God knows!

In His Arm's,

Pat and Family

Tuesday Afternoon

Hi friends and family - just a brief update: Day 16 and Joyce has slowed down considerably. She is no longer battling that severe restless and is resting peacefully. She's shutting down - just very slowly. Thanks for hangin' with us!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Sunday afternoon Day 14

Folks I think I need to take a break from the blog - maybe til the Lord takes Joyce home. My mind is mush and I'm really tired - still, we covet your continued prayer.

Thanks for all you've given already!

In His Arm's,

Pat