Troubling day! 6-26

It's a little past 10 on Tuesday evening. My bride does not want to go. Today was more of a fight of the will it seemed. She was weaker physically but more active mentally - and that is so difficult to watch - I think because when we hear her voice and can get a response of some kind to a question, our hearts leap for more - yet we know the process of dying is continuing - and our hearts keep breaking. Those of you following along on this blog know that we were preparing for Joyce to leave us a week ago. She had taken a horrible turn downward and then sort of leveled out at this mysterious place between this life and the next.

Our nurse said that after 4-5 days of similar vital signs, this morning she showed a drop in her blood pressure. With circulation becoming more difficult, the medications for pain and anxiety can become less effective - a condition that usually occurs in the final day or two before passing.
It seemed that Joyce's meds were not keeping her comfortable thru most of the day. She had a few times of laughing and recognizing family but seemed more fearful most of the time. It was like she was calling out to people she knows for help or answers. She had one word questions like "Why?" and "Purpose?" We have increased her meds some this evening and hope she's able to have a calm night.

Many of us would like to think that right before death we'ld see angels or the Lord Himself and that we'ld hear the beautiful worship of heaven and all would be a calm peaceful passing from our old tents into our eternal homes. I haven't seen that yet. Maybe something's going on in the realm of the spirit that niether we nor Joyce can see with our human capacities. But it seems that her body and mind are fighting harder than ever to not let go. When we try to assure her that it's OK to let go she, several times this evening, said "No!" And it leaves us all frustrated that we can't make it better.


Our hospice nurse did say this morning that the changes could acclerate downward very quickly pretty much at any time now. But she could also fight like this for several more days. And it's just not neat and pretty. We wonder at times is it still possible that she could pull out of this? With the Lord we know that all things are possible. We also know God in His purposes allows people to die - He permits the natural process of dying usually without interference. If the Lord were to miraculously heal Joyce she would have greater clarity of thought and begin to desire food and water - so far she has had niether for the past 9 days now. The body adapts amazingly quickly to inceased dosing of morphine - so if the disease was controlled or gone she would be markedly alert and engaging.

Have I lost hope? Let me say clearly that my hope is not in this frail life to continue forever. My hope is in Jesus Who will give eternal life in heaven. So I'm not mad at God for allowing Joyce to go thru all this - I don't like it - I wish it were different - but I know what's on the other side - and I know her pain and fear and doubt today will soon be swallowed up by Life eternal.
We just have to go through this and I pray God will be glorified!

In His Arm's (still)!

Pat and Joyce