Day 12 is nearing an end and I hardly know what to write. Joyce has had a far from peaceful last 24 hours. She hasn't slept much and has been very restless. Excessive morphine dosing can in some cases lend to anxiety. We felt her pain was under control so our hospice doc suggested we back off from the quantity and frequency of the morphine and see if that helps.
We did, but her restless continued thru most of the day. This afternoon our nurse was able to help relieve her of some severe constipation and she slept about three hours after that. But around 7pm. she was awake and scooting to the edge of the bed again - a process she does about every 15 minutes - her nurses, her doctor, and all of us who are caring for her have no idea where she is getting the strength to keep doing that! She's not able to really communicate much but she can still laugh, raise her eyebrows at me when I try to get her to lay back down, and occasionally reach her arm around one of our necks.
This evening we switched her pain meds to dilaudid which her hospice doc felt might be less contributing to her anxiety than the morphine. Dianna C. is our nite watch angel. Please pray for her to have strength and wisdom as she watches Joyce thru the nite hours. My daughter has been tending to Joyce's personal needs almost non stop. Please pray for Noelle that she get the rest she needs. Pray for all of us for patience and peace. And as I know you all are doing, pray for Joyce that can relax and sleep and complete her journey.
I did go for a walk this evening just around our neighborhood. My legs felt like they had 20lb weights attached. My mind was just wrestling with the Lord again. Trying to understand His will and purposes in permitting Joyce to go through this as she is - it's just too much to wrap my understanding around. I was trying to examine my own motives in asking for His mercy. Was I being selfish because I'm so tired and just want it all to be over? Maybe that's part of it - honestly I think most of our requests to the Lord have a tinge of selfishness in them - I don't want to struggle; I don't want to hurt; I don't want to see those I love hurt; and I don't readily enjoy having to endure trials. Counting it all joy is easy when everything is easy - but when your world is falling apart it's a whole other dimension of faith.
I think I'm maybe grasping a little more the pain the Father must have felt when Jesus was dying on the cross for my sin. And I know I'm learning more about the pain and agony so many families have suffered in losing a loved one. I hope it makes me more compassionate, softer, less controlling, more able to weep with them that weep. I don't want to be bitter towards God or anyone else. Help me Lord! Help us all to draw near and be what You want us to be!
In His Arm's,
Pat
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Oh no He never lets go through the calm and through the storm. Oh no He never lets go of You, Joyce, your family, or your church.
ReplyDeleteSafe in the Father's arms. Through the tears, safe in the father's arms, through the pain, Safe in the Father's arms, through the disbelief, safe in the Father's arms, through the black hole, safe in the arms of a Father who loves you through it all.
My mom is a member of your church and has been keeping me up on your wife's condition. What comes to mind is there might be something that she needs before she can let go. Some of the possibilities that come to mind are something or someone that she was working on or with and had to stop due to her illness. Or maybe there is something she has tucked away that she wants to give away. The possibilities are endless, but if you could possibly figure it out, then maybe she would be able to rest. I am praying that the Holy Spirit will bring whatever it is that she needs to light. So that peace can be with you all.
ReplyDeletePat,
ReplyDeleteI see it. In your thinking process you are already changing. You are being molded in the potters hands. You will be more compassionate and cry with those that cry. You will be less controlling because I think you've learned as much as you've tried to stay on top of it and conrol things it was really out of your hands. It was in The Great Almighty's hands. You did all you could to keep your dear loving Joyce from suffering and pain. Yes this is a fallen world and God is sovereign. He chooses who to heal and who not to heal. Joyce and you have been tried in the fire and you will both recieve your crowns but when we see Him we will throw them at His feet, because then we'll realize what we can't now. No eye has seen nor ear heard what the Lord has planned for us. I can only imagine but Joyce will get to see soon-very soon. Praise God!
Pastor Pat & family,
ReplyDeleteWe pray that you are able to get some much needed rest tonight and the strength to carry onward. We know that you are going thru a really difficult time right now. We feel your pain as you watch your precious soulmate slip away. Joyce is so special to so many that God is using her to teach us our lessons of life. We are being drawn closer to him, and others are renewing their relationship with God. We really don't know all that is happening and even if we did know our earthly minds wouldn't fully understand. I thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us.
I am glad that you went for a walk on the beach Thursday night. The ocean has always soothed me and help me to clear my head. Looking at the ocean,the full moon, or white clouds in a blue sky is a reminder to me that God loves us so much that he gives us these beautiful gifts if we would just take the time to enjoy. We will continue to pray for you, for Joyce, your family, friends and loving caretakers, as we wait and watch with you.
Take care O :-) God bless
Pastor Pat and Joyce,
ReplyDeleteI just started following your blog about a week ago. My heart breaks for you, pastor, and also for your Joyce. Your written words remind me when my grandmother died of cancer not just because of Joyce's journey, but because of the love you have for Joyce that shows through your every entry. My grandparents were married 40 years before cancer took her life, but my grandfather was at her side every day until she breathed her last breath. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen at the age of 20.
Now, I watch you sit by Joyce's side just as my grandfather did. But, there is one difference between their story and yours. You see, your story is much more beautiful because I don't know if my grandparents are waiting in heaven.
And, even though I didn't get to know Joyce as well as I wished, please tell her that I see a gentle, loving, strong, compassionate, funny woman. I see a woman who's will is strong and doesn't want to leave the family she loves so deeply. I wouldn't either! I see a fighter and someone who doesn't give up easily. I have great respect for her and you, pastor, for your transparency and testimony.
You are furthering God's kingdom with your testimony of faith.
Heavenly Father,
I pray for Pat and Joyce and their family. Give the family the peace and rest they need, Lord. Give Pat the strength he needs to get through every moment of the day. Give Joyce the ability to understand your Word to give her comfort, peace, and joy in knowing that you wait for her with open arms. I trust that you have the perfect plan in this journey, and that while nobody understands it, I trust and know that your plan will be revealed soon. I pray these things in Your Name, Jesus, Amen.
God Bless You,
Mrs. Elizabeth Lock
We are weeping and hurting with you Pat and your entire family. We are fragile people in a hostile world that is filled with pain. So thankful that we have a heavenly home to go to when we leave here and see Joyce and all our departed loved ones in Christ!
ReplyDeleteMuch love and grace and peace to you my dear brother! Stand strong in the grace of God. Many are praying for you and Noelle and Jordan and the extended family.
T and D Bruce
We continue to cry and pray with you! I find myself in tears so many times a day over this, as I stayed with and cared for my best friend about 8 years ago (cancer)through the hospice and I so recall the desire for MERCY! Until now I have never found myself crying to the Lord for mercy more for another.
ReplyDeleteAs much as it hurt losing my best friend, I just cannot imagine the depth of pain you two are living through when it is the person to whom you share your oneness.
Your transparency through this reminds me of King David. You show us your struggles in your walk through this trial, yet come out still choosing to trust and praise the Lord in the end. Your life has become a living psalm before us!
Right now is not the time to share all I long to tell you about, but someday down the road, I would be delighted to share with you all the good things that transpired in me and also my marriage through your trial. Even about the Holy Spirit pricking me to be more transparent, honest, and vulnerable for the sake of another.
You and Joyce are incredible, even in all of this! May you both be blessed with knowing an incredible presence of the peace of Christ like never before. May our Lord bless you both and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and give you peace!
Juli
Still praying!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to read that God is giving you glimpses into why, possibly, things are going this way. It brought light at the end of this post for me as I started struggling with similar questions. Still praying for your family and will continue to.
ReplyDeleteJohn 13:7
ReplyDeleteJesus answered and said to him, "What I do you do not realize now, but you shall understand hereafter."
A big hug to you, Pat.
ReplyDeleteI am touched by how the body of Christ is now ministering to you with the loving and often profound comments being left here.
Thank you for sharing with us day by day. I know it isn't easy to sift through the flood of emotions, thoughts and experiences of the day, and then put it in writing, yet you are doing a great job of it. May the Lord fill you up with His strength and His joy today, and allow you to feel His presence. Your home becomes Holy Ground as He and his angels come for His sweet daughter at her appointed time. Thank you, sweet Jesus!
We love you! ~ Jeff & Lisa
Dear Pastor Pat, May our Lord Jesus Christ's grace be sufficient for you, Joyce, and family, is my prayer.
ReplyDeleteWith all that we suffer in our earthly vessels in Christ, we will also be partakers in His glorious Kingdom and glory....we are all but a breath away! God bless you all and keep you in His Perfect Peace. AMEN
Reading the verse above brought to heart Scripture to share as well, for I am sure at moments when you feel alone, yet in the faith within you...surely you cry out...TO WHOM ELSE SHALL I GO? There is no other!
ReplyDeleteSo Jesus said to the twelve, "You do not want to go away also, do you?" Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life.
We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God."
Pastor Don McClure was my pastor when I was a teen at Redlands CC. His life verse comes to mind as well many times during trials, "But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God."
A sister in Christ who was killed by a shark last year in the church by which I am employed from Australia had been given this passage by the Lord shortly before her death and it did come to pass, she was such a sweet testimony to all the emergency workers and beach crowd who came into her presence, they all got a glimpse of the Lord that day. I saw another mention of this Scripture in one of your previous column's comments and it does seem like the very words Joyce would share with you if she could...
But you, be sober in all things, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.
For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith;
Extending love and prayers to all of your family and church through this trial of tears...
BOOK TWO (Psalms 42–72)
ReplyDeleteFor the choir director: A psalm* of the descendants of Korah.
1 As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
2 I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?
3 Day and night I have only tears for food,
while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
"Where is this God of yours?"
4 My heart is breaking
as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
amid the sound of a great celebration!
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged,
but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
from the land of Mount Mizar.
7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
8 But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.
9 "O God my rock," I cry,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?"
10 Their taunts break my bones.
They scoff, "Where is this God of yours?"
11 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God!
continuing to pray over you & your family....
ReplyDeletelove, Rachel Stratton (Dotson)