Happy New 2008

Just wanted to wish all of you a very blessed, safe, healthy and fruitful new year!

A few thoughts on this past year: 2007 was not a bad year - just a difficult one. In the midst of the suffering were many blessings. Both of my children were wed, my beloved wife made it to heaven, and the diseased portion of my colon was removed and the pain and discomfort I had there for several years is gone. I've learned a lot and grown a lot and pray God will use it all for His glory in 2008.

Continuing in His Arm's,

Pat

The Day After Christmas

Well it's Wednesday morning, 12-26, and Christmas 2007 has come and gone. It was my first Christmas without Joyce and God saw my family and I through. We all had a really good time together - a very busy last few days - and I know Joyce would have been blessed by the love and closeness of the family. The grandkids were beyond over-stimulation and as they usually do, brought a level of energy that helped make our gatherings a lot of fun.

Now things are very quiet and it's time to refocus on what God is calling you and I to for the coming year. 2008 will have it's own unique challenges for all of us and it will be essential that we are walking close to the Lord, staying in His Word, and letting Him direct and use us as He desires. 

I still have a few medical challenges ahead for the next two or three months. Hopefully in February I'll be having another surgery to reconnect my colon - they tell me the recovery time from that surgery is much quicker than the one I recently went thru. While I'm waiting for that to be scheduled I'll be back in the pulpit thru most of January and early Feb. As always, I deeply appreciate and need your prayers. May we all press on to know and serve our Lord!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Good week

Just a short update. This week has been my best week pain wise since the surgery. I'm feeling stronger, less fatigued, and tho I'm still on the mend I'm overall feeling a lot better. Even weathered a slight cold without it getting worse. I've been talking with the Lord a lot as well about my present situation and feel assured that He has a plan and is holding me - even tho most of the time it feels like I'm in free fall - not so - He is ever present and ever holding!

I pray your Christmas gatherings with family and friends will be tremendously blessed with His joy and peace!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Pictures!

My granddaughter, Kaylee's, 5th birthday party at my house on Saturday.

My daughter, Noelle, and my new son-in-law, Paul, helping me put up our Christmas tree.

Blessings!

Pat

ups and downs

Well since a week ago Friday, my days have been alternating between active and nearly comatose! Several days I was able to get out and visit with folks, enjoy some meals together, do some shopping, and even get down to the church a few times. Other days were home all day days where some mornings I just could not move til noon. Usually after an active day I pay for it the next. My wounds on the outside are healing up pretty good but the stuff inside is taking a lot longer then expected - fatigue is a frequent visitor. My appetite is improving some as evidenced by my scarffing down a Pesky's combo at Rubio's after church today with friends from the worship team.

This past week I had an appointment with my ostomy nurse and received some different product for my colostomy. That's probably the most uncomfortable and inconvenient part of my recovery so far. But I'm learning to deal with it and, God willing, I'll only have it for a couple more months.

During this time I've been crying out to the Lord a lot. Especially on those down days when I think this trial will never end; those days when I'm missing Joyce so intensely. The wounds were opened again as I spoke with the wife of a pastor friend of mine from Buhl, Idaho, Brent Huether, who passed away last week after a short battle with pancreatic cancer. It was the anguish all over again - and hers stirred up mine. Merrily and her kids and the church in Buhl are just starting on that journey of grief - please keep them in prayer too.

Thru all of this, I have to say that the Lord is faithful and continues to hold me and speak to me thru His Word. I am so grateful for how He has held me and guarded my heart the past 5 months. Thru my grieving and my healing He is always my ever present help.

In His arm's,

Pat

Friday update

I wanted to just check in briefly for those of you following my blog. It's a rather boring blog at this time since my days are mostly filled with resting and trying to heal up. I've gotten out a few more times this past week and have had a few spurts of energy where I felt for a moment almost normal! Last night I was able to drive up to Murietta to watch my granddaughter's first Christmas production and meet her preschool teacher. I was beaming all the way thru. Today I'm paying for it tho - just slammed with fatigue.

Overall, I think I'm on the mend - it's just a lot slower than I expected. Church wise I am planning to participate in the Christmas eve eve services at the Center for the Arts on Dec. 23. I'm hoping to be back in the pulpit for a few Sundays in January before my next surgery in February. The pastor's and I will be meeting next week to lay out the teaching schedule for the first few months of 08 including Sunday mornings, Wednesday evenings and the school of Discipleship classes - pray for us for wisdom - to hear and heed the Lord's direction.

Also, tomorrow morning I meet with our church elders to discuss the current financial condition of the church and to pray for wisdom in setting next years budget. Please pray along with us.

That's about it for now. Stay walking close to Jesus!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Getting out more

Got thru a pretty rough week. Healing has been slow and missing Joyce has been more intense than ever. But, as I said, I got thru it by His grace. Sunday I was able to get over to the church and see lots of friends. Also got to share my thanks for everyone's prayers and encouragement from the pulpit at both services. But the cut up ab muscles and incision really started barking after a couple of hours and I had to get home. Later in the afternoon, my friends Mike and Pam Rozelle came over for a late lunch and some sweet conversation and fellowship.

So the days roll on. This week I'm trying to get out a while each day. Got a couple of meetings involving  the police chaplaincy on Tues and Wed and on Thurs. eve, My 5 year old grandaughter will be in her first preschool Christmas production. Really looking forward to that!

My appetite is slowing improving and the pain is a little less every day if I don't try and do too much. I also have to start getting out all our Christmas decorations and lights - my daughter and son in law will be over this weekend to help me brighten the house up. Joyce so loved Christmas and I want to do it up in her memory - and not get to depressed she not here to tell me where everything is supposed to go.

Well it's late and my head is fuzzy so Good night all and God bless and use you for His glory this Christmas season.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Recovering

Two weeks ago today I was operated on to repair a pretty messed up colon and a few other things. The recovery has been tedious. I thought I'ld bounce back real quick but those with a little more wisdom kept telling me this surgery can knock you down for a while. I am feeling a lot less pain but the overall weakness caught me a little by surprise. And it's not just physical - it's mental too. I'm sure my brain has taken a pretty good hit with the trauma of the surgery, the heavy pain meds used in the hospital and the stuff I'm taking at home has kept my ability to concentrate in a fog. It's been difficult to read or study or even watch TV (which is probably a good thing!) Spiritually I've had some good conversations with the Lord and felt ministered to by His spirit. I've never been in this place before where I am somewhat incapacitated and home alone most of the time. It's been comforting to know the Lord is with me all the time. 

So I try to exercise patience and just let the process of healing take its course. I hope to be off my pain meds during the day very soon so I can run a few errands using my car. I haven't driven in over two weeks. I'm also hoping to be at church this Sunday so I can personally thank so many of you who have been praying for me thru this crazy season. I won't be teaching for a little while yet but I pray soon.

In His Arm's, Pat

Thanksgiving

In seasons of grief one must navigate the holidays - can't ignore them, just have to face them and create some new memories. God has His ways of going before us as we face these events. He did so for me yesterday. I celebrated Thanksgiving with my daughter and new son in law at home. Having just gotten home from 6 days in the hospital and still in a lot of discomfort, I was unable to attend our usual large family gathering at one of the relatives home and I think the quietness helped helped me deal with both the pain of surgery and my wife not being here. In a way, going thru this surgery has softened the ache of missing my beloved Joyce. Having to deal with my own physical issues sort of balanced my emotions and I was able to get thru the day and enjoy it as well.

Even in loss we all have so much to be thankful for. I am keenly aware of how blessed I am. To have family who love an care for each other is a priceless gift. To have friends and coworkers who are so thoughtful and understanding is also a treasure not to be taken for granted. To have a church family and a living relationship with the One, True, Living God really ties life together! In Everything give thanks!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Home

Just a short update. My surgery went well but was a bit more involved than I had hoped for. I was hospitalized for 6 days. My surgeon removed a much larger section of my colon as well as my appendix. I also had to have a colostomy bag (where a portion of my intestine is brought thru an opening in the abdominal wall (called a stoma) and a bag is attached to collect waste material. I'll have to wear the bag for about three more months, then another surgery to reconnect the remaining portions of my colon after they've had a chance to heal up.

I got home yesterday evening (Monday) and friends and family have been looking out for me - I'm so glad to be home again. As much as I appreciate the care I received in the hospital it was definitely not a quiet place to rest. So I'm catching up now at home. My sister-in law Nancy was with me everyday as was my daughter Noelle the first three days of my stay. My friend Dr. Nick also was there nearly every day and were an immense help.

So for the next couple of weeks it's healing time and learning to use the bag. Then 2 or 3 months from now I will have to go in for another surgery to reconnect my colon, close up the stoma and get rid of the bag. So the beat goes on. It was a lot harder then I expected but God has held me and ministered to my heart thru it all.

I'll try to be a bit more regular now that I'm home. Sure appreciate so many of your cards and letters and calls. Keep growing in your trust in the Lord.

In His arm's,

Pat

Noelle's Wedding

What a crazy beautiful blessed weekend! Noelle and Paul's wedding was absolutely wonderful and the weather at the coast on Monday couldn't have been greater in the middle of summer let alone the middle of November. The ceremony was held at 1:00 in the afternoon on the patio of Cannon's overlooking the Dana Point harbor - very close to the same spot I proposed to Joyce about 35 years ago! Pastor Mark officiated and I, of course, walked my daughter down the aisle. I wore Joyce's wedding ring on my little finger.

When Mark asked, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" I responded, "Her mom in heaven,  all her family and I!" About a half hour later they were the new Mr. and Mrs. Paul Berry.

The granddaughters were a hoot as well, all dressed in little sailor outfits.

Today I'm prepping for tomorrow's surgery at Kaiser Zion in SD. Got to be there at 6:30am. and the surgery is scheduled for 9:45. Could be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days and then a week or two at home healing up. I'll post as soon as I'm able after the surgery - sorry no pictures :-)

In His Arm's,

Pat

Getting Ready

Well this week has been a blur. And the weekend ahead is sure to race. This afternoon we have Noelle and Paul's wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner following. I'll be meeting Paul's family from England for the first time. Then early tomorrow morning I see my surgeon for my pre-op appointment. The rest of the day will be filled with last minute organizing for the wedding. Sunday afternoon we head up to Dana Point and get settled for the ceremony which takes place at 1pm. on Monday afternoon.

Monday is also the day I need to begin my diet prep for my surgery which is still scheduled for Wednesday barring fire, earthquake, flood, or terrorist attack. Yes, I'm a little nervous. I miss my wife's calm spirit. My emotions are struggling to stay even. I'm so happy for my daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law yet I'm so sad Joyce isn't here to enjoy it. I believe in some way that she will still be a part of this blessed day. I know the Lord will be there because a bunch of believers will be gathered - and I know Joyce is where the Lord is.

I'm not afraid of the surgery but I just can't think past it. It's a little like my wife's battle with cancer. As she was declining I knew her passing was coming but I could not imagine anything beyond that. Yet here we are, four months later and life has continued - tho much of that time I have felt in limbo. I knew a week after Joyce died that I needed to have this surgery - and waited nearly three months to have it scheduled - and then the fires and the rescheduling.

I'm looking forward to a season where I'm not anticipating another major trauma for a little while! Thanks for your continued prayer!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Harvest Pics

Had to post a pic of the grandkids from the Harvest Celebration!

4 months

Hi Folks!

About two weeks ago while I was in Phoenix, I had written a few things that I hadn't posted yet. The blog post was titled "Purpose" from 10-21. I just posted it this morning.

Today is Nov. 5 and it's been 4 months since Joyce passed and in some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. Time seems to stop and I find myself numb and staring at pictures of her in disbelief that she's not here - in disbelief that she suffered so much for so long and then was gone. I think I'm moving on - and most of the time now I am - but there are still those moments, occasionally whole days, where I'm just overwhelmed with all that's happened. Yet I know life goes on anyway and many good things are also happening. My son and his wife just moved into a new home up in Menifee over the weekend - I helped him move (and I'm paying for it today :-)

My daughter is to be wed a week from today in Dana Point. Lot's of family things coming up this week. Then my surgery on the 14th. I'm eager to get back to pastoring and teaching as God would allow me - I know these things are in His hands - still having to learn patience!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Re-scheduled

Hi Folks!

Well my surgery is back on again - now scheduled for Wed. Nov. 14. My daughter, Noelle, is getting married on Monday the 12th in Dana Point. So I don't have to wait to much longer.

I also wanted to thank all of you who've been praying for my brother, Mike. He's doing well and from the time I asked you to be praying for his sense of taste to return after several months of chemo, it's been on a steady comeback. He no longer needs a feeding tube and last Thursday he returned to work! His CT scans are all clean and he is greatly encouraged.

As I await the surgery there is much to do, particularly with our upcoming Harvest Celebration on Wednesday evening, special prayer times for our churches and communities on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and our ongoing fire relief efforts - the plate is full!

In His Arm's!

Pat

Surgery Cancelled

Hi Folks!

Due to the horrible fires ravaging our county and the call to evacuate my home on Monday, I had to postpone my colon surgery scheduled for tomorrow the 25th. I don't have a reschedule date yet. I have been able to return to my home and I only had a tree knocked over by the wind. We have had a wonderful team of our college age young people led by Pastor Miles and Pastor Eric, serving in the shelters set up at Mission Hills High School and Escondido High School. Pastor Mark and the church staff have been on the phone constantly checking on our seniors and others affected by the fires. Several evacuated families have set up camp at the church. As of this morning we still don't know if any of our church families have lost their homes. Many remain displaced and are waiting news on the condition of their homes. Pray!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Purpose

Greetings

I have written a few times about the uncertainty of my identity and ministry and purpose in life since the loss of my lovely Joyce. God has been ministering to me a lot during the past couple of weeks so I would like to share a little of what He has been showing me.

Being one flesh for nearly 35 years created a unique identity in that, tho we were still individuals, in a mystical beautiful way we functioned in life as a unit. Everything each of us said and did and even thought impacted the other - sometimes in ways we could see - but more often in ways we could not. Tho we were individuals we were not independent of each other. And that was wonderful and I'm so thankful for that relationship. So now that our life together has been completed (til death do us part) and she has gone on to her eternal reward in heaven, I find myself at times groping to understand who I am without her and what my life will be like in the months and years ahead - should the Lord give me more length of days.

Mercifully the Lord is not silent. He has been speaking many things to my heart and tho I don't have a clear vision of specifics, I do have a greater sense of His peace and His desire to continue to use my life for His purposes. You'ld think that would be a "no-brainer" but in grief often the link between theology and reality gets really blurred.

In His Arm's,

Pat

In Mesquite

I arrived in Mesquite, NV a little before noon to spend a couple of days with my friends, the Jackson's and Dorado's. We go way back! Both couples came to our church around Oct. 1981. We've seen our families and ministries grow over the years and it's been nice sharing memories as well as looking to what's ahead. It's a little hard for all of us to easily talk about Joyce but I trust in time that will change - there are so many good things to remember!

I'm sort of marinating in all that happened at the missions conference the past few days. I know one thing for sure, God still has a plan for my life. Tho I can't see ahead very clearly right now it's not as murky as it was a few weeks ago. And that excites me! I'm anxious to get my surgery behind me, heal up, and move ahead in the things God has for me and for our church and its' outreaches.

There is still so much more God wants to do thru us if stay in love with Jesus and remain yielded to His will and purposes for us. May His Word dwell in you richly as you serve Him and one another!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Send the Message

Hi Folks!

I'm presently attending the annual "Send The Message" missions conference at Calvary Chapel Spring Valley in Las Vegas. It's always a blessing seeing old friends still radically serving the Lord all over the globe - and meeting new folks is also a tremendous blessing. Got to spend some good time with Pastor Jeff and his wife Helen already and looking forward to hanging out with them for a couple of days after the conference. I'll give a more detailed update a little later.

Love to all!

Pat

A bit harder

This past week has been a little tougher to deal with. The Lord has been, as He always is, close. We had one of our seniors pass into heaven on Monday, Ouida; Tuesday I had my Griefshare class over at Emmanuel Faith; Wednesday I talked with a man who just lost his father to cancer; Thursday I ran into some old friends who didn't know Joyce passed away. I had to deal with the question again on Friday from a nurse at Kaiser, "How's your wife doing?" 

And, as has been my "new normal", I come home to an empty, all too quiet house every day. On my recent trips visiting family and friends so many new things were happening with them but I was painfully aware that I wouldn't be able to share those experiences with Joyce anymore. I'm dealing with it - I know that's just the way it's going to be for a while. Perhaps my upcoming surgery is working on my head as well. Will I get thru it reasonably well; will I be OK for my daughters wedding? Lot's to just leave in the Lord's strong hands.

So I'll be keeping pretty busy the next eight days or so - leaving tomorrow for the Missions conference then short visits to Mesquite and Phoenix. I'll likely be out of the pulpit for the next three or four weeks after my surgery as I recuperate. Appreciate your continued prayer!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Scheduled!

Sunday's services were sweet! I pray a fresh fire of God's love is stirring each of your hearts' this week!

Just a bit of update. First, a couple of praise reports, my brother Mike is doing better every day. His taste is returning along with his appetite and he hopes to have his feeding tube removed in the next couple of weeks - please continue to pray for his complete recovery. Secondly, on another medical note, I finally have my colon surgery scheduled!! I get to celebrate my 58th birthday on the operating table, oh I just can't wait, Oct. 25. Probably about 4 days in the hospital and then a week or two of recuperating at home and then my daughters wedding on Nov. 12th.

And to relax in prep for the surgery, I'm going to the Send the Message Missions conference at CC Spring Valley in Las Vegas next week and then a couple of short visits with friends in Mesquite, NV. and Phoenix, AZ and back to Esco on the 22nd to get ready for the surgery.

I am continuing my grief care meetings on Tuesday evenings when I'm in town - and the Lord has been holding my heart - it still hurts but my Lord has been gracious in seeing me thru the tougher days. Again, I thank you all for your continuing prayer and encouragement. What an amazing spiritual family we have!

In His Arm's,

Pat

3 Months

It's been three months now since my Joyce was taken to heaven. It's still hard to comprehend that she's gone and not coming back. I'm not troubled with the "why" questions much anymore. I know where she is and Who she is with! I also am keenly aware that she is not with me. I've been traveling a bit the last few weeks, visiting family and friends has been good for me and for them - but nearly every day I felt like I needed to call Joyce and see how she's doing and fill her in on all the new happenings with everyone. And I couldn't do that. Coming home to an empty house after each trip was also surreal. It's like time stopped while I was gone and when I opened the door everything was exactly as I left it. Nothing was moved, nothing was cooking, nothing new was added, nothing old taken away - then I open the refrigerator and realize that a few things had changed...and needed to be tossed in the trash :-)

So I'm out a lot. And that's OK. There's plenty to do ministry wise. And family thin

gs help a lot too. Seeing the grandkids, visiting Joyce's folks, having my granddaughter, Kaylee, spend the nite with granpa is a joy. We have another wedding coming up in just 5 weeks. My daughter, Noelle, is marrying a fine Englishman, Paul, and I couldn't be more happy for both of them.

My youngest granddaughter, Brooklynn, turned one a couple weeks ago and is walking real good now - she's such a cutie!

Tomorrow I see my surgeon and hopefully I'll have a better idea of just how much longer I need to wait for this surgery to happen - pray for me for patience!

Also, this Sunday I'll be teaching again - in Luke 24 - please pray for my study time and discernment as to what the Lord want's to say to His flock thru His Word this weekend!

I hope and pray that you all are growing in your walk with the Lord! Press on!

In His Arm's,

Pat

   

Seattle

It's a rainy Sat. afternoon in the Pacific Northwest as I enjoy a visit with my friends, Mike and Mira and their kids' families. This is another place that Joyce and I came to many times in the last 18 years. Every once in a while I glance next to me where she would be if she were still here. I'm missing her presence - not quite with the pain of a couple months ago - but more just the memories of the fun times we had up here with our good friends...and realizing that new memories are being made this trip without her - and it seems still sureal.

On Sunday I'll be visiting my friends church - Taylor Creek Church in Maple Valley - and then get ready for my trip back home on Tuesday. God has been so gracious in allowing me to make these trips and has been refreshing my heart and soul. I look forward to what He has ahead for me personally and for our church corporately. Life seems more an adventure now than ever before - so many possibilities; so many variables; May God use each of us more and more for His glory!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Huddle

What a wonderful last three days out in Borego Springs. It was the annual "Huddle" for the ministry leaders of churches and outreaches in relationship with Horizon Christian Fellowship in San Diego - pastored by my friend and mentor - Mike MacIntosh. Most of our pastoral staff were able to attend (along with about another 400 folks) and we were all refreshed and challenged for the work ahead. The Lord has so much more He desires to do in each one of us!

I was also asked by Mike to share a little about the loss of my wife and how it's affected me and our fellowship. Pastor Richard also shared about the loss of his son. It was a solemn sweet time of sharing - bottom line: Even in our darkest time of pain and suffering He is holding us. Great is His Faithfulness and by His grace we press on in serving Him and loving our flocks.

Evan Wickam and his wife, Jonathon and Sarah MacIntosh, and Brenton Brown led us in simple but powerful times of worship - I just soaked it all up!

Tomorrow, Thursday, it's off to Seattle to visit with old friends for a few days. Then back in the saddle as the Lord leads. Thanks to all of you who are still checking out this blog and continuing to pray for my family and I and the work God wants to do thru th ministry of Calvary Escondido. I'll be checking in a couple of times over the weekend. Love to all!

In His Arm's,

Pat 

Back Home - briefly

Had a good visit with my family back in the Chicago suburbs. My brother Mike is doing better - recovering from over 6 months of cancer treatments - we had a real nice time together and some meaningful conversations about life and suffering and family and God - good stuff!

I'll be teaching this Sunday in Luke 23 and then it's off to a retreat on Monday and a short visit with some dear friends in the Seattle area til next Tuesday. I've been feeling pretty good physically - still no date for my surgery - might not be til after my daughter's wedding in November. It's all in His hands as I try not to squirm to much in His arm's!

May God's perfect peace guard your heart and mind!

Pat

Chicago

Well I made is safely and uneventfully from SD to Dallas to Chicago and got to my brothers house just as dinner was being served... and the Chargers were handing a victory to the Patriots.

It's good to be here. Didn't get to talk much with the whole family about Joyce's passing, but did spend some good time with my brother as we talked about his recent battle with cancer. Pray his taste buds come back soon - chemo can really thrash ones sense of taste - and as a side effect of that - no desire to eat. I think tomorrow evening we may all watch the dvd of Joyce's memorial service.

Tomorrow I'll likely spend most of the day visiting with my mom and running errands for her. She doesn't drive anymore to I get to play "Driving Miss Eileen".

Hope you all have a joyful, fruitful week in the Lord!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Travel

I'm flying to Chicago in the morning to visit a few days with my family. Appreciate your prayers for a fruitful visit. Be back Thursday.

In His Arm's, Pat

New Server

Last Friday evening the church's website began a move to a new server. As a result, my blog and many other items associated with ccesco.com were migrating thru cyberspace for the better part of this past week. As of yesterday, everything seemed to have found it's new home and we're up and running again.

The week was a blur with family and church things. I had some good days and a couple harder days and am still waiting for my surgery date. I started the Grief-share series at Emmanual Faith Comm. Church here in Escondido on Tuesday evening. It's the first of a 13 week session and tho it was painful at times, it was helpful. I was in a group of about a dozen men and women who had recently lost their spouses. There have been times that I just couldn't believe what has happened. I watched some video and heard Joyce's voice and her being gone seemed so unreal.

But the Lord has and will continue to see me and my family thru. I praise Him for His faithfulness. He truly is our ever present help in time of trouble!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Friday

It's been a pretty busy week. Still no date for my surgery - because it's considered "routine" it's about a 2 month wait from the time of referal from the doc. So it's been about 5 weeks now and so assuming I won't hear from them til the end of the month, I've decided to take a couple of short trips this month - God permitting. In the middle of the month I'll be flying to Chicago to visit my family for a few days. The at the end of the month I'm making a short trip to the Seattle area to visit with some close friends - and go to a Mariner game or two :-)

In between, I'm either back at the church or doing stuff with the police dept. pretty much every day and I'll be teaching this Sunday in Luke 22. Terry and Nancy Clark will be leading us in worship Sunday morning and I'm looking forward to a sweet time of gathering together with my church family to glorify our Lord.

I've also found this past week the Lord giving me opportunity to minister to many folks facing cancer....some near the end of their battle and some just starting. Tho my wounds are still pretty fresh, the Lord has given me strength and peace to encourage and counsel those who are hurting and fearful - I can look them in the eye and say, "I really do know what you're going thru!" I'm so grateful for those opportunities.

I just want to encourage all of you to stay connected to your church family and seek opportunities to serve one another. Pray for your pastors and leaders and keep a tender heart towards the lost and lonely in our communities.

Have a blessed weekend!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Labor Day

Well we're into September! Nice 'n hot here in So Cal. Labor day weekend has come and gone and now Fall begins - except it's still hitting 100! On Sunday I sorta split my time between 2 churches. Started and finished at CC Escondido but in the middle, decided to visit CC Hidden Valley on the south side of Escondido. Shawn Stone is the pastor and I knew a lot of folks there. I was blessed by Shawn's study in Acts and the worship was sweet. Finished the day with the Sunday evening prayer time at CCE - again, just a blessed time with brothers and sisters lifting up each other, our church family and our community before the Lord.

Today I drove out to Carlsbad and walked for an hour early in the morning - it wasn't as hard as the last time I was there alone, when Joyce was in her last couple of weeks. Ran into a brother in the Lord I hadn't seen in at least 10 years - he walked with me a while and we had some good fellowship - he didn't know that Joyce passed away and it shook him....that kind of encounter still happens several times a week - I find myself having to bring comfort to them - even while I'm still grieving - and that's OK - just strange - sort of an "out of body" experience!

Anyway, it was a good morning and this afternoon my daughter drove down from LA to spend the rest of this week with me - the house is just too quiet when I'm the only one there. Glad to have her here!

That's about it for now. I'm the duty chaplain for the Escondido Police Dept. thru September - should be an interesting month!

Love to all of you! Stay close to Jesus!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Waiting and not liking it!

Ps 130:5-6 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning-- yes, more than those who watch for the morning.(NKJ)

Most people I know really don't like to wait - including myself! Waiting seems to deny selfs constant drive to control. Thus learning to wait on the Lord implies willingness to yield to His control and His timing. It seems I'm often like a hyperactive kid inside - not wanting to slow down and just rest in His purposes. I've been frustrated with the delay in scheduling my surgery - was told it could be another month before it's even scheduled - because the doc didn't check the box "urgent" the surgery is considered elective routine and thus is low on the priority list. I did leave a message today for my surgeon requesting he expidite the order - me trying to make something happen :-)

I just have to laugh a little at my self at how antsy I get when I can't plan things I feel I need to do. Anyway I just have to accept the fact that God knows all about the schedule and has a perfect time prepared - and He's not going to clue me in until He's ready - and maybe not till I'm ready and resting in His timing.

Looking back at the last few days I have to say they were pretty full. It was such a joy to be able to teach at the morning services last Sunday. Then had dinner with my inlaws and visiting my newly wed son and daughterinlaw - and a bunch of the grandkids. Monday I did a ride-a-long with a police officer friend of mine, and went to a Padre game at Petco with some good friends. Tuesday I had breakfast with a couple retired cops - I've been a police chaplain for many years - and am trying to reconnect after a long absence due to Joyce's illness. Today was all day at the church office.

So I'm trying to keep busy while I'm waiting - just sitting around is depressing and I really don't want to veg. I want the Lord's will in my life - right now it's day by day surrender. Thanks for continuing to pray for me, my family, and our church.

In His Arm's (squirming),

Pat :-)

Weekend update

Good Saturday morning! It's been a near normal week - recovering from the wedding last weekend; dinner with friends Monday nite; Valley Center home fellowship (and dinner :-) Tuesday nite; bereavement counseling and church on Wednesday nite, tho I've been sitting out the Song of Solomon study - a little tuff emotionally to hear about the beautiful, God intended relationship between husband and wife - really a great study - but with Joyce gone, I couldn't digest it right now.

Been at the church office every day and gradually getting back into the flow of the ministry. I do plan on leading worship for Miles' study this evening and teaching this Sunday at the morning services - first time since Mother's Day. Still not sure of a regular return to the pulpit tho. The scheduling of my surgery is still pending - it could happen in a couple of weeks or a couple of months - I'm praying sooner rather than later...some days are good; some not so good. If it's later, then I'ld still like to try a short trip to the Chicago area to visit my family and my brother, Mike, in particular who just finished 6 months of treatment for esophogal cancer. My mom turned 87 last month and I'ld like to give her a hard time for a little while :-)

That's the nutshell! Hope your day is blessed and fruitful!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Wedding!

It's been a pretty busy week. Lot's of meetings with folks and my son's wedding over the weekend. Sort of a bitter sweet time as Joyce was so looking forward to being there. I carried her wedding ring in my pocket throughout the entire day. The ceremony was beautiful and held in the little park overlooking Moonlight Beach in Encinitas just as the sun was setting. Pastor Josh performed the ceremony and I was blessed to be my son's best man. Jordan and Anna were a stunning couple and all the little girls of their now blended family, dressed in Hawaiian tutu's were a big hit!

Hope your week ahead is full of the joy of the Lord!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Mon. evening

Good Monday evening or Tuesday morning!

I've had, overall, a pretty calm last few days. Been at church a lot and that's been good for me. Many have been asking me when I'll return to teaching on Sunday mornings - and to that question I'm just not sure right now. Soon I think - but I think it's important that my resuming my teaching duties is in the Lord's time and not mine. Miles is doing a wonderful job on Sunday mornings and I couldn't be more proud and pleased. The church is being fed the Word and people are growing. So if my ministry is more supportive and behind the scenes for a little while longer that's OK by me! The scheduling of my colon surgery is also a factor and that hopefully will get on the calendar sometime before the end of this week.

My son's wedding is this Saturday and that will be keeping me busy the next few days.

God bless and keep all of you in His love!

Pat

A Good Week

Hi Folks!

Haven't posted much this week - sometimes no news is good news! After a blah day on Monday I had specific things to do the past three days and actually felt Ok inside. The gut wrenching pit in my heart is slowly healing and I'm getting a greater sense of the Lord moving me ahead. It's been nice to have a couple of back to back days that weren't so emotionally painful.

My brother was able to finish his chemo today and wasn't feeling too bad. I still don't have a date yet for my surgery - should know by early next week. Don't ya love waiting :-)

As always, I deeply appreciate your continued prayer for my family and I. We have a busy week next week as my son Jordan is marrying his Jr. High sweetheart next Saturday - and he asked me to be his best man. I'll try to post a couple pictures of the event.


Keep loving one another!

In His Arm's,

Pat

One Month

Today, Sunday, it is one month since Joyce passed into heaven. This past week has been a little more level than the previous three. I'm having a greater sense of Joyce in heaven with the Lord. For a while there, all I could feel was the emptiness of her absence. The finality of her death and the reality that I would never see her again here in this life was overwhelming and obscuring the facts of the Scriptures. It was difficult to say with joy, "Joyce is with the Lord!",
because she wasn't with me. Pretty selfish I admit, but not easy to shake.

But this week there was some joy and tho the fog rolled in a few times, it didn't last too long.

Church this morning was special too. It just seemed like a big family gathering and for the first time in quite a while, I felt OK laughing and enjoying the fellowship. God is so faithful!

This coming week I hope to nail down a date for my colon surgery. I'm not really worried about it - just want to get it done and start moving forward with what God has planned. Also have another bereavement group meeting on Wednesday.

In His Arm's,

Pat

The past couple of days brought developments in both my physical and emotional state. On the physical side, on Monday I had a barium enema test done which went as well as one of those can go :-( and basically showed no other problems in the colon besides what the CT scan showed with the thickening and constricting area of the sigmoid - so my doc has ordered surgery to be scheduled - don't have the date yet but probably within 4 to 6 weeks. The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure you all don't want to hear all the medical details of the procedure so I'll leave it right there - for now!

On the emotional and spiritual side, I began the process of bereavement counseling this week by first attending a session of "Griefshare" at Emmanuel Faith Comm. Church. It's a twelve week series which was in it's 11th week. I felt a little awkward there because #1 I was the youngest widowed person in attendance and #2 there were a lot of hurting people there and it was hard to not be in the "pastor" "caregiver" mode and just be a regular person who was hurting as well.
But it was interesting and the next session begins in mid September and I'll likely hook up with it from the beginning at that time.

I also drove up to San Clemente today and met with a grief counselor who was very helpful and not only helped me understand a little better what was going on emotionally, but also ministered to me thru the Word as well. It was good talking about how much I loved Joyce. He said that often the deeper the love the more intense the grief. And so we talked thru a bunch of things and I felt maybe the beginings of healing. It's going to take a long time but that's OK.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with another pastor friend who lost his wife to cancer this past April. I'm looking forward to our fellowship.

I'ld also like to ask you to please keep praying for my kids and relatives as they are also trying to cope with Joyce's death - it's been hard for them too.

One last thing, could you also please lift up my brother, Mike, in Illinois. He's been in chemo and radiation for esophagus cancer for several months now and is having a rough go being able to finish his final week of treatments. It's been postponed twice due to low blood counts and an infected feeding tube. Pray for relief and strength and complete remission of his cancer.

Love to all of you!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Laying Low

The weekend streched out a little longer because Noelle and Paul decided to stay up in LA for the weekend. That enabled me to attend the beach baptism at Oceanside Harbor yesterday afternoon. As always, it was a joy watching folks young and old wanting to follow Jesus and publicly getting baptized in the surf!

Today, Sunday, Miles was teaching and I decided to lay low at home while prepping for my Barrium E. test tomorrow. I've had to be on a clear liquid only diet today and in a couple hours have to drink a gallon of the same nasty solution I had to take when I was prepping for my colonoscopy a couple of months ago. Makes one need to stay 'close to home' to say the least!

Pray it all goes well tomorrow and the doc has all the info he needs to recommend the best course of action. It's uncomfortable facing these things without Joyce by my side.

In His Arm's,

Pat

med stuff

Thanks are in order again for all the encouraging comments and emails! Yesterday was three weeks since Joyce passed and it was a difficult day. You folks are like lights on a dark street! Just a little update on my medical stuff; got the barrium e. test scheduled for this Monday morning and the followup with my surgeon the next Monday. By then I should have a pretty good idea about what course to take with my colon problems. Resection surgery of the colon is the most likely scenario but there may be other options - we'll see.

Also, I was able to set a couple of appts. next week to begin some bereavement/grief counseling - need to get started on that because I don't counsel myself very well :-) - at least not in these areas.

Hope you all have a safe and blessed weekend.

In His Arm's,

Pat

midweek musings

Each day continues to be a challenge to stay focused and productive. I have times when I'm relatively OK and rationally accepting the fact of Joyce's death. Then, in an instant, I find myself incredulous that she's really gone. It all happened so fast. I know while I was caring for her the last few weeks of her life it seemed like everything was in slow motion. I was wondering why God was allowing her to so slowly deteriorate. Now it all seems like it happened at warp speed. Now I find myself wishing we had more time - even if it meant her still being sick - time to talk, and laugh, and watch the grandkids, and prepare for the weddings.....time just to be together. But then, on the rational side, I'm thankful for the mercy of God that she didn't have to suffer too long. I just miss her so deeply - there's an ache and an emptiness that's just hard to fathom. And thru it all, I know God is faithful to see my family and I through.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Monday

A new week has begun and I'm hoping to get thru it with a little less pain and a little more joy than last week. Speaking to the church at both services yesterday was good for me and I hope good for them. I still have a lot of things to take care of regarding Joyce's passing and I'ld rather not deal with any of it! I think a part of me is in the denial phase of grieving - avoiding or ignoring things that need to be done keeps me from acknowledging she's really gone. I know better! I've counseled others about it - but going thru it is another thing entirely.

One goal this week is to connect with some grief support group meeting in our area. I have a few options and need to pick one and follow thru.

The last verses of Psalms 31 and 32 encouraged my heart this morning:

Ps 31:24 Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD.(NKJ)

Ps 32:9-10 Do not be like the horse or like the mule, which have no understanding, which must be harnessed with bit and bridle, else they will not come near you. Many sorrows shall be to the wicked; but he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.(NKJ)

Thanks, as always, for your continued prayer for me and my family.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Good friends, good counsel

Thanks for all the kind and encouraging comments and emails to my last blogpost. Each day brings new challenges and new opportunities. Yesterday was an "opportunity" day. I was able workout at the Y with my friend, Dr. Nick, and then we followed with breakfast where I had the opportunity to express and talk thru some of my more immediate challenges.

It helped set the pace for a day of continuing the process of working thru the paperwork side of Joyce's passing. It's hard each time I have to remove Joyce's name from an account or close one of hers - I almost have to apologize to her in an odd sort of way.

Later in the afternoon I picked up my granddaughter from her day care and when my son got off work we all met Nick and his daughter for an evening Padre game at Petco Park downtown.
Jordan had never been to a game at Petco and it was the first game we got to take Kaylee too.
The Padres choked but we all had a nice time and Kaylee got to spend the night. Noelle and Paul came down from LA to spend the weekend with me as well.

So the Lord blessed with a sort of reprieve day from the previous few! Thanks again for all the prayer and concern so many are showing to my family and I as we press on thru these days of grieving and adjustment.

I hope to share a little at tomorrows services before Richard brings the study in Luke 18.

Pray your weekend is blessed and fruitful!

In His Arm's,

Pat

detachment

A little update. Been trying to keep busy. Getting back to church has been good. Tuesday nite at the Kiersteads Home Fellowship studying faith in Hebrews 11; Wednesday nite church with Dr. Kendell on a scientific case for creation, and this evening Josh's class on the Inductive Bible Study method. I've been out of the physical loop of the church for a while and I know it will take some time to feel more a part than feeling on the outside looking in. Lot's of hugs and "we're prayin' for ya"....I say thank you so much and then again wonder "what happened?" Where's my wife? I go home and I'm supposed to be taking care of her and she's not there. Tonight I was waiting for Joyce to call - like she was up at a retreat and would call me before bed time. No call. I don't like being alone - they say that's normal and it takes time to find your new space.

I cry out to the Lord for strength and peace and patience. I'm also looking into some bereavement support systems - many others have lost a spouse they loved so much and go on to have a fruitful life. But for now, each day is a challenge to just keep my thoughts from going
places they shouldn't. Kinda rambling here - today was 2 weeks since my treasures' passing.

I've never experienced this kind of detachment and lonliness. I'm sure the Lord will use it down the road to minister to others but for now it's the pits. Sorry, I'm at a loss to finding silver linings. People console me that she's in a better place, experiencing the glories of heaven...and somehow, right now it's just hard to say "Praise God" and "Yeah, isn't that just glorious!" I know folks mean well but each condolence feels more like a knife in my heart. I know that will ease up with time as well. I guess I just don't need platitudes - just weep with them that weep.

Please understand I'm not meaning to be harsh to the many well wishers - I deeply do appreciate the time and effort to send a card or make a comment or shoot off an email - I just am having a hard time graciously processing it all. And then going home to the empty house that sings of Joyce everywhere I look. I don't want her in a better place, I want her here - and as David said of his child who died - Paraphrasing: she can't come to me - but I can go to her - someday. I just miss her so. For nearly 4 years I anticipated this happening and now that it has - it's worse than I imaginined. I need to begin healing - please help it begin soon Lord!

Kinda of a down post - sorry! Just been a hard few days. It's so good to have so many people around me who do care and want to help. May God guide us all in that process.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Setting Course

Yesterday, Monday, was my first day by myself at home. Noelle and Paul were back in LA and the house was so quiet. I can't fully describe the feelings except to say they were uncomfortable. I had to force myself awake, then force myself out for a morning walk, and then force myself over to the mortuary to settle our account. Then it was over to the church for a while organizing papers and beginning the process of figuring out what to do about putting stuff in my name only. Very difficult day. A good friend invited me to go to a Padre game in the evening - but I wasn't quite ready for crowds and cheering.

Instead, I decided to drive up to Murrieta and visit with Joyce's folks for a while. They were both overwhelmed by the love shown for their daughter at her memorial service. Then I drove over to my son's home and had dinner with him and Anna and the grandkids. Those were the right things to do and resulted in a better ending of the day.

I slept better last night and was up earlier (and easier) this morning, read in the Word a while and went over a couple of devotions from Our Daily Bread. Then it was off to the Honda dealer for service on my car and over to the church for a meeting with my staff pastors.

It was agreed by all that I really need to take time to heal, to rest a while and be refreshed, and to have my passion and vision for the ministry recharged and refocused. I also have some health issues to deal with before I plunge back into the work - and there is still much work to do! So my request would be for prayer for wisdom on setting that course over the next few months and patience to wait on the Lord and not press in my own strength.

This evening, it's off to one of our home fellowship groups.

In His Arm's,

Pat

A different reality

Yesterday's memorial service for Joyce was so beautiful. The music, the testimonials, and the sweet fellowship made for an overwhelming day of love and encouragement. My family and I were so blessed by so many. It was a fitting tribute to an amazing lady!



Today I had breakfast with my sister and two nieces from the Chicago area before their flight back to the mid west. Though the time was short, they were able to spend some good time with Jordan and Noelle and the grandkids - and had some good bonding time with their west coast family.



Noelle and Paul headed back up to LA this afternoon leaving me to an empty house for the first time. The process of facing a new reality is upon me. As the afternoon wore on I found myself overcome several times with a deep sense of loss and grief. I had a choice to stay at home this evening or get out and do something. I chose the latter and headed over to church for the Sunday nite prayer meeting. It was clearly the right thing for me to do. Only a few folks had gathered and Pastor Josh led the devotion and then we all prayed for one another and for folks who were hurting and for wisdom for the leadership of our church. It was a simple, sweet time and I felt refreshed and at peace when I got back home this evening.


I'm sure I have so much to learn about living without Joyce in this new reality. She has been so much a part of me for 35 years - but I can't forget that the Lord has also been a part of that three fold cord all these years and He is still with me. So I'm not alone and that is reality.

We'll see what this week unfolds - thanks for your continuing prayer!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Company

It's late Friday evening and the day has been full with friends and family. Our long time friends from the Seattle area got in yesterday and my sister and nieces got in this afternoon from the Chicago area. We had them all over to the house this evening and had a real nice, relaxing time with them. My 4 yearold granddaughter, Kaylee, made instant friends with her Kenney relatives - and of course, was the life of the party. At one point, as a bunch of us were sitting around the patio table, Kaylee says she misses Grama Joyce - then very matter of factly says to all of us that Grama Joyce is in heaven with God and the angels and that she has a white robe on and has wings and can fly....it was just a sweet moment.

Tomorrow is Joyce's memorial service. I think I'm a little sick to my stomach just thinking about the emotions we'll all be feeling. Again, so many people are helping with the entire event!
I know it will be a hard but beautiful day of thanksgiving and rememberance.

Love to all of you!

Pat

Wednesday - late

It's been a busy couple of days preparing for Joyce's memorial service this Saturday. At times it seems sureal - like a dream. God, as He has promised, is sustaining our family. We are so missing Joyce yet so thankful she's no longer suffering. She's really in heaven! She's experiencing life beyond anything we could imagine! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

Tomorrow it will be one week since she passed.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Pictures

Pictures, pictures everywhere! Our house is filled with pictures of my Joyce from her childhood to just weeks before she passed. Her joy filled smile and twinkle in her eyes leaps out to us as we sort thru hundreds of captured moments. I spent most of the day keeping busy with things related to Joyce's memorial service this Saturday. Took a lot of phone calls and heard from many old friends.

I still feel like she's only at a retreat or on a short missions trip to Belize and at any moment the phone will ring and I'll hear her say "I'm on my way home!" While I was running errands today and headed home, I would insticntively grap my cell phone to call her and let her know I'll be home in 10 minutes...been doing that for years!

Life indeed is going to be very different - not bad, just different; a "new normal" a friend of mine said, would be found.

Thankfully the Lord is the same, yeasterday, today and forever. His grace is sufficient to see me and my family thru. What firm a foundation we have in Christ. May He continue to use all of this for His glory!

In His comforting Arm's,

Pat

Anniversary

7-7-07. 34 years ago it was 7-7-73 and Joyce and I shared our vows and became husband and wife. How odd it is to not hear her voice or melt at her smile on this day. I still expect her to pop around the corner and ask me something. But two days ago, death parted us. She's in glory now and forevermore. I have more days appointed here before I can see her again. And I have more days to press on with life and ministry both for my family and my church.

Today we began planning for Joyce's memorial service. Pray for strength and peace as we prepare for Saturday's service.

In His Arm's,

Pat and Family

A day without; 7-6

Today was my and my family's first day without Joyce. Last nite in bed in the middle of the night I thought I felt Joyce's arm touch my shoulder and face; it sort of jolted me awake as I realized she wasn't there. My theology doesn't leave room for such things - but my heart and soul and spirit crave another touch, a whisper, a wisp of a kiss. And of course I long for the day I will see her again in glory.

I slept Ok but woke this morning feeling so empty and sad and sort of aimless. My kids and I had to take care of some things at the mortuary this morning - and I was able to see Joyce's still smiling body one last time. I wept harder than I ever had - and kissed her one last time on her now cold lips - it was still sweet. Then we quietly headed home; took care of some errands and just prayed for the day to be over. Our granddaughter Kaylee was over for a few hours and she always brings a special joy to all of us.

I think we have settled on initial plans for her memorial service. It is being planned for Sat, July 14 at 11:00am at Emmanuel Faith Community Chruch in Escondido, with a reception immediately following. More on that later - for further info just call Calvary Escondido - 760-489-6255.

In His Arm's,

Pat and family

She's Home! July 5th

At 10:15 this morning, the 18th day of her final fight, my Joyce took her last breath here on earth and her first breath in her resurrection body! I was so blessed to be sitting by her side as her rapid breathing slowed, paused and then stopped. A large tear formed in the corner of her right eye, a couple short breaths followed and then her three and half year fight with cancer was over.

My daughter Noelle and her fiance, Paul, my son Jordan, and Joyce's sister, Nancy, were with me when she passed. Christi Olson had just arrived for the morning watch. As precious as each one helping us was - we are all thankful the watch is finished.

We haven't settled on the day or time for a memorial service - but it will likely be towards the end of next week. The info will be posted here and on Calvary Escondido's web site.

I don't know what else to say right now except, thank you all for your encouragement and support these past few months.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

In His Arm's,

Pat and family

Day 17 - July 4

Joyce is still with us. We are still watching and waiting and loving. Vitals continue to drop but Joyce holds on til her appointed time. God knows!

In His Arm's,

Pat and Family

Tuesday Afternoon

Hi friends and family - just a brief update: Day 16 and Joyce has slowed down considerably. She is no longer battling that severe restless and is resting peacefully. She's shutting down - just very slowly. Thanks for hangin' with us!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Sunday afternoon Day 14

Folks I think I need to take a break from the blog - maybe til the Lord takes Joyce home. My mind is mush and I'm really tired - still, we covet your continued prayer.

Thanks for all you've given already!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Sat. Nite Day 13

Two weeks ago today was Joyce's last "normal" day before her sharp decline began. It seems like 2 months. Tears flowed some today as I was folding a basket of cloths - some of which were Joyce's. Each article of hers I folded and put away just ached my heart. I went out to the kitchen and cried with my daughter for a minute and then I was OK.

Day 13 began rough with continued restlessness. All nite last nite she was awake and trying to get up. She has no strength in her legs so she had to be constantly held and moved back on the bed. By 8:00 we finally decided it was time to move Joyce to the hospital bed we had set up in the guest bedroom. For her saftey and the health and strength of those caring for her we had to make the move. Her restless continued unabated thruout the day til around 5pm. The doc had called and suggested mixing a couple benadryl's with her regular meds and lo and behold, in 20 minutes she was asleep. She was stirring again around 8pm and at 9 we gave her her next dose of meds including the benadryl and as I'm writing (about 10pm) she's sleeping again. Toni H. is our nite watch angel this evening. If you read this tonite, please pray for her as well.

For a few moments this evening we thought she was about to go but it's still not the Lord's time.
I have a greater peace this evening then I did yesterday. So many encouraging comments have been written - they've become like medicine for my soul. Thank you all for taking the time to pray and comment as the Lord leads you.

His mercies are new every morning and His compassions they fail not!

In His Arm's Still,

Pat and Joyce

Friday evening

Day 12 is nearing an end and I hardly know what to write. Joyce has had a far from peaceful last 24 hours. She hasn't slept much and has been very restless. Excessive morphine dosing can in some cases lend to anxiety. We felt her pain was under control so our hospice doc suggested we back off from the quantity and frequency of the morphine and see if that helps.

We did, but her restless continued thru most of the day. This afternoon our nurse was able to help relieve her of some severe constipation and she slept about three hours after that. But around 7pm. she was awake and scooting to the edge of the bed again - a process she does about every 15 minutes - her nurses, her doctor, and all of us who are caring for her have no idea where she is getting the strength to keep doing that! She's not able to really communicate much but she can still laugh, raise her eyebrows at me when I try to get her to lay back down, and occasionally reach her arm around one of our necks.

This evening we switched her pain meds to dilaudid which her hospice doc felt might be less contributing to her anxiety than the morphine. Dianna C. is our nite watch angel. Please pray for her to have strength and wisdom as she watches Joyce thru the nite hours. My daughter has been tending to Joyce's personal needs almost non stop. Please pray for Noelle that she get the rest she needs. Pray for all of us for patience and peace. And as I know you all are doing, pray for Joyce that can relax and sleep and complete her journey.

I did go for a walk this evening just around our neighborhood. My legs felt like they had 20lb weights attached. My mind was just wrestling with the Lord again. Trying to understand His will and purposes in permitting Joyce to go through this as she is - it's just too much to wrap my understanding around. I was trying to examine my own motives in asking for His mercy. Was I being selfish because I'm so tired and just want it all to be over? Maybe that's part of it - honestly I think most of our requests to the Lord have a tinge of selfishness in them - I don't want to struggle; I don't want to hurt; I don't want to see those I love hurt; and I don't readily enjoy having to endure trials. Counting it all joy is easy when everything is easy - but when your world is falling apart it's a whole other dimension of faith.

I think I'm maybe grasping a little more the pain the Father must have felt when Jesus was dying on the cross for my sin. And I know I'm learning more about the pain and agony so many families have suffered in losing a loved one. I hope it makes me more compassionate, softer, less controlling, more able to weep with them that weep. I don't want to be bitter towards God or anyone else. Help me Lord! Help us all to draw near and be what You want us to be!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Day 11

Today is the 11th day my wife has been in this "in between" state. I really don't know what to think. She is dying - just very slowly. She was restless most of the day - not too troubled but generally incoherent. I was expecting her to pass a week ago - which today seems like 10 weeks ago. The wait is taking a toll on all of us - that's not bad - it's just the reality. Things are happening we know not of in me, in Joyce, in many of you who are following my blog. Only time and circumstances will reveal these things - but for right now we keep doing the best we can to care for Joyce. How much longer can she survive without eating or drinking? I'm beyond trying to put a time frame on that - each time I have she surpasses it. You might think thats good - maybe she's getting better - unfortunately that's not the case - her body continues to deteriorate but her mind and will are not ready to let go - even in her dying she continues to amaze me with her strength....and each time I look at her I'm overwhelmed with how beautiful she is - and I shake my head feeling like it's all a bad dream - this can't really be happening - but it is.

Her nurse adjusted her meds again this afternoon to try to calm her restlessness. We'll see how she does tonight.

I did have an opportunity early this morning to talk with her and it seemed she was listening intently. I tried to explain again what was happening to her, what we were trying to do to keep her comfortable, how good the kids were doing, and then I shared some promises from the Word and talked about heaven. It was a very special time and I think she understood most of what I was saying.

This evening, I needed to get out of the house a while and drove down to the beach and went for a walk along the Carlsbad sea wall - a walk Joyce and I did many, many times. The ocean, just after sunset was pristine. Unexpectedly, I felt very alone tho the ocean front was filled with people. I'll never have Joyce by my side walking hand in hand along the beach again. Maybe I should have just stayed in Esco and walked around the block where I only need to deal with cars and barking dogs.

Well, it's around 11pm again and I need to wrap it up for now. His will be done!

In His Arm's

Pat

Wednesday

Today the Lord gave more peace. Tho Joyce had a few times of agitation and discomfort, it wasn't as pronounced as yesterday. We've begun administering her meds every 2 hours now instead of every 4. Her blood pressure continued to drop today - 98/50 - so her body is much slower in absorbing the meds. Again we thank God for all the wonderful ladies who have taken round the clock shifts to sit in our bedroom and watch over and pray for Joyce. Noelle and her fiance, Paul, have been with me also for the past couple of weeks. And even with all the help, we are presently fighting mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. We were preparing for her departure a week ago and she just wasn't ready to let go.

Joyce still hangs on this evening - just an amazing drive to survive in my sweetheart. Mercifully, she hasn't been as distressed today - increasingly disoriented but not as fearful.

Noelle, Paul and I have been going for walks in the evening and tonight's was quiet and contemplative for the three of us. We were just lost in our thoughts. I know her passing isn't far away - but at times it seems like what we're enduring will never stop - I know down the road we'll no doubt look back at this time and see it as fairly quick and even now I'm thanking God for His mercy.

I try to think about life without her and it's like hitting a forcefield - I can't imagine it. She is still here and my heart will not allow me to go past today.

I did hear the results of my CT scan last Friday. Bottomline was some obstruction/constricting of the colon but no evidence of cancer. Surgery is an option but not an immediate necessity. I will be setting up an appointment with a surgeon to discuss the pros and cons of surgically removing the problem area - in the meantime, as many of you my age are dealing with, NO nuts, seeds, popcorn, corn, etc. and high fiber. Maybe I'm gonna need to learn how to cook :-)

So as we get ready to go thru the 10th nite of Joyce's journey to glory, we pray again for the Lord's mercy upon her. The chorus of Greg Fadness's song, Might be Today come to mind:
"It might be today I look into Your eyes; Might be today I see Your face; Might be today You place Your wounded hands; On my tear-stained face, it might be today!"

In His Arm's, Pat

Troubling day! 6-26

It's a little past 10 on Tuesday evening. My bride does not want to go. Today was more of a fight of the will it seemed. She was weaker physically but more active mentally - and that is so difficult to watch - I think because when we hear her voice and can get a response of some kind to a question, our hearts leap for more - yet we know the process of dying is continuing - and our hearts keep breaking. Those of you following along on this blog know that we were preparing for Joyce to leave us a week ago. She had taken a horrible turn downward and then sort of leveled out at this mysterious place between this life and the next.

Our nurse said that after 4-5 days of similar vital signs, this morning she showed a drop in her blood pressure. With circulation becoming more difficult, the medications for pain and anxiety can become less effective - a condition that usually occurs in the final day or two before passing.
It seemed that Joyce's meds were not keeping her comfortable thru most of the day. She had a few times of laughing and recognizing family but seemed more fearful most of the time. It was like she was calling out to people she knows for help or answers. She had one word questions like "Why?" and "Purpose?" We have increased her meds some this evening and hope she's able to have a calm night.

Many of us would like to think that right before death we'ld see angels or the Lord Himself and that we'ld hear the beautiful worship of heaven and all would be a calm peaceful passing from our old tents into our eternal homes. I haven't seen that yet. Maybe something's going on in the realm of the spirit that niether we nor Joyce can see with our human capacities. But it seems that her body and mind are fighting harder than ever to not let go. When we try to assure her that it's OK to let go she, several times this evening, said "No!" And it leaves us all frustrated that we can't make it better.


Our hospice nurse did say this morning that the changes could acclerate downward very quickly pretty much at any time now. But she could also fight like this for several more days. And it's just not neat and pretty. We wonder at times is it still possible that she could pull out of this? With the Lord we know that all things are possible. We also know God in His purposes allows people to die - He permits the natural process of dying usually without interference. If the Lord were to miraculously heal Joyce she would have greater clarity of thought and begin to desire food and water - so far she has had niether for the past 9 days now. The body adapts amazingly quickly to inceased dosing of morphine - so if the disease was controlled or gone she would be markedly alert and engaging.

Have I lost hope? Let me say clearly that my hope is not in this frail life to continue forever. My hope is in Jesus Who will give eternal life in heaven. So I'm not mad at God for allowing Joyce to go thru all this - I don't like it - I wish it were different - but I know what's on the other side - and I know her pain and fear and doubt today will soon be swallowed up by Life eternal.
We just have to go through this and I pray God will be glorified!

In His Arm's (still)!

Pat and Joyce

Monday Evening

Just gave Joyce her 11pm meds and we're all about to turn it in for the nite. An OR nurse friend of ours is spending the nite watch with Joyce allowing my daughter and I to get a little sleep. We had a home health aid come by this afternoon and give Joyce a real good sponge bath. She seemed refreshed and sure smelled good afterward. She's still having periods of really deep sleep and then sudden awareness. Sometimes it's a little humorous and other times it's a bit frightening - especially when she is trying to express fear, concern, or discomfort. Most of the time a few soothing minutes with her calms her down. She doesn't seem to be fighting quite as hard today. Still it's a wonder that she is still clinging to life here. We are praying God gives her just a little glimpse of the glory that awaits her to ease her fear of just letting go.

We keep assuring her how much we love her and how much we will love and take care of each other when she's gone. Gently letting her know it's all going to be OK. It's getting harder for me to see her and talk to her because when I do she tries to move and think and want's to say things but then goes blank - and the end result is mild agitation and often then she shows signs of pain or discomfort. Maybe we're still too connected and just sitting next to her often seems too much to bear for both of us.

She usually calms down on her own, but today we had to increase her meds a couple of times.

She's sleeping now - pretty deep - and as I laydown to try to catch a few hours - the last thought on my mind is the Lord recieving her to Himself...and the knock on my door that she's gone. His compassions they fail not! Great is His mercy and faithfulness.

Good night!

Pat

Monday afternoon 6-25

Hi Friends and Family!

Well Joyce continues to hold on to life! Her hospice nurse told us this morning that the death process for younger cancer patients, who had been healthy except for the cancer, often takes longer than those who were older and suffering from other ailments. In Joyce's case her heart is strong, her kidneys have not been diseased, her mind is still processing...and she's just not quite ready to go. She does not seem to be distressed nor in much discomfort or pain. Her lungs are clear and no bed sores either. Her blood pressure and pulse were a bit fainter this morning but still pretty normal 118/80 with a pulse of 96 and only a slight temp. When she is awake she is often laughing softly...several times today she'ld say out of the blue, "That's funny!" and "Ya know what?"

It could still be a few more days but things could also change very quickly. So we love her while we wait! Theresa P. was with her this morning and read to her a lot from the Word - Joyce had some longer periods where she was awake but not agitated - thanks Lord for that! Christi O. is with her now and it's pretty quiet in the house again today.

Thanks again for continuing with us in prayer and the lifting of our arm's as we wait.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Peaceful

Joyce has been in a deep restful sleep so far today. The morning was rough tho. Last Wednesday she had a catheter put in which never stopped bothering her. This morning her nurse agreed with us that it would be best for it to be removed. We'll stick with diapers from her on out. The moment it was removed Joyce calmed and relaxed and went to sleep. That was about 6 hours ago and she's still resting quietly.

The house has been quiet today as well. We've all been able to take a deep breath and rest as well. Our watching "angels" continue round the clock to sit with Joyce and we are so greatful for their love and care. Our God is an awesome God! How good it is to see the Lord's love for Joyce in action thru His servants.

More later - Pat

Real early Sunday

12:30 am. Joyce is sleeping peacefully after a pretty restless day. Lots of dear family were over to see her throughout the day but about 3pm. I just felt she couldn't handle any more visitors and needed quiet. She may be physically extremely weak but her mind is still processing all that's going on around her. She hears everything and those of you who know Joyce know that if people are in her house she needs to be engaging with them and serving them. She can't speak much or move off her bed but I know in her mind and heart she wants to.

So I asked everyone to pack it in and head home and that I wanted Joyce to have quiet for the next couple of days. Everyone graciously complied and Joyce had a much better restful afternoon and evening. Robbi R. is our nite watch angel. As my friend Chuck P. often says, "perhaps today!"

Got to get some sleep! Good nite!

Pat

Sat. morning update 6-23

Joyce had a restful nite. Kelly K. did the nite watch with her and she said Joyce woke up a couple of times and asked "What's happening?" and another time she just said, "Hi Kelly" and went back to sleep after Kelly talked to her a bit and read to her from the Bible. This morning around 7 Joyce was awake and more alert than all day yesterday! She wanted to sit up on the edge of the bed and gave her little laugh to things we were saying to her. My son called on his way to work and I put him on the speaker phone. He said Hi Mom! and Joyces eyes brightened up and she said, clear as ever, "Hi Jordan! How are you doing?" These things may not seem like much but to all of us who were preparing to be awakened in the middle of the nite with the word that Joyce had passed, it was so very special to hear her sweet voice once again.

She's back into a deep sleep again now. We're at peace here at the house.

Have a blessed day in the Lord today...and go out of your way to appreciate and love those close to you!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Friday - late 6-22

It's been another day of wondering "When Lord?" As I left for my CT scan at Kaiser San Marcos around one this afternoon, I whispered a goodbye to Joyce just in case the Lord decided to bring her home while I was gone. But she made it peacefully thru the day and we are greatful for that. Not too much moving around but still a few smiles when she was briefly awake - which has usually happened when we give her her medications every 4 hours. Many friends stopped by throughout the day to share their love for her and our family.

Our hospice nurse said she could pass in the next day or two. We don't want to loose her but we also don't want her to remain in the state she is now in any longer. They call what we are going thru a "death watch". I like to think of it as a birth watch. Joyce is about to experience the total hope of our salvation. She is about to recieve a new habitation that will last forever - I can only imagine!

We have had so many wonderful people watching and caring with us...and so many more who want to help - our cup runs over! Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words and faithful prayer - it will never be forgotten - ever!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Thursday nite 6-21-07

We continue to wait. Joyce has been resting deeply most of today. She has very little pain and is comfortable in her own bed in her own bedroom in her own home - with family in and out all day. That's how she wanted it. We had a houseful of people today - mostly family and it was hard for many but wonderful how we all were helping each other thru.

Someone called us wondering why Joyce wasn't on an IV for fluids. The reason we switched over to hospice was because our goals had changed. We were no longer interested in further treating the disease as further treatment would only cause more pain and weakness. We knew that as the end approached we didn't want to be in and out of hospitals and stuck with needles.
The goal has been to keep Joyce as comfortable and pain free as possible as she prepares to go home. Giving more fluids at this time would be tantamount to prolonging her pain and suffering.
Joyce is ready for her new body - and this is the path she has chosen.

We pray for the Lord's mercy to take her home soon now. Her earthly tent is about worn out. Glory with her Savior awaits! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

Pat

In His Time

It's about 11pm. and our family still waits for what God wants to do. Joyce had a good nite last nite - good in that it was uneventful and painfree. Dr. Nick spent the night with us and about 6 in the morning I was awakened by my daughter telling me Joyce was sitting in a chair facing the open door of our patio and eating a plum from our plum tree. Sure enough, Nick had her in her bathrobe sucking on a ripe plum and breathing in the fresh air of a beautiful morning.

That's all she had to eat for the rest of the day. And she had only a couple sips of water all day. So it's been nearly four full days with next to no solid food and probably less than 6 oz. of liquid. Our hospice nurse said things will likely be accelerating in the next couple of days. We had a bunch of folks stop by to see Joyce and I today - and it was a blessing to be loved so much.

Unfortunately Joyce seemed uneasy about so many people coming into her room. She can't talk at this time so we don't know what she was actually feeling - tho I suspect she knew something was wrong - and later this evening, while Noelle, Jordan and I were with her on our bed, she kind of cried, "I don't want to die!" That just ripped us - we were hoping she wouldn't be scared - and she seemed a bit frightened by everything...who wouldn't?

Please continue to pray for God's angels to soothe her still active mind. Pray for the peace that passes all understanding to guard her heart. Pray for me and the kids for patient endurance - we know the end is getting close.

God keep us all in Your strong, loving arm's!

Pat

Tuesday, 6-19

Joyce had a peaceful, painfree night last night and day so far. She wakes up briefly when we give her her medications every 4 hours and was able to have a few bites of solid food this morning - but nothing but a few sips of water throughout the day so far. We've had a lot of family at the house today and it's been a real blessing having them all around - we are blessed to have a loving close biological family as well as our agape spiritual family.

Please continue to pray for God's mercy on Joyce. We know He has an appointed time for her.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Waiting 6-18-07

This is a very sad and heavy time for our family. My Joyce is declining a lot quicker than any of us anticipated. We were hoping for months and instead may only have days. After a horribly pain filled day yesterday she has been calmer and not hurting much today. She has been sleeping deeply thru the nite and most of the day today but with only a few minutes here and there of awareness. My son and daughter are with me and we have a few friends and other family members with us round the clock the past couple of days.

It's really hard to express what I'm feeling right now. I've counseled hundreds of families over the years of my ministry that have had to face a family member's death but it's a lot different when it's happening to you. Our hospice nurses have been so helpful in not only caring for Joyce but helping me and my family prepare. I go between moments of great peace and overwhelming agony. The Lord is with us - when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord" You give and take away - my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name!"

I just can't imagine life without her - I know the Lord will sustain - I just can't even picture it right now. Thanks for continuing in prayer for us - the Lord of mercy hears.

In His Arm's,

Pat

Sat. morning 6-16

Hi Friends!

Joyce probably had her best night sleep in many days last night. And as a result, so did I :-)

She's having a calm, pain free morning so far. And her thinking is a lot clearer as well.

Again, I can't thank all of you enough for continuing to pray for us thru these crazy days!

In His Arm's, Pat

Friday nite 6-15

I don't think I could begin to fully describe the emotional roller coaster the past couple of days have been! In brief, Wednesday nite, as I was beginning my prep for a colonoscopy Thursday, Joyce began hurting again and it only worsened thru the nite. We were up all nite and she was still hurting and out of it when Pastor Richard picked me up to take me to the clinic for my procedure. I was exhausted and numb and just begged for God's mercy on Joyce. Her faithful sister, Nancy, stayed with her while I was gone. The day was also hard on Joyce but slowly we started getting a handle on her pain.



I got home around 1pm and was pretty zonked from the sedation they gave me prior to the scope - which didn't go very well. The doc encountered a mass of some kind that prohibited him from doing the complete scope of the colon. I have to get a CT scan next Friday and then meet with a GI surgeon - whatever it is it probably needs to go - so we have this to deal with.



Today was a better day in some respects and rougher in others. Pain wise Joyce was doing much better - but she was also very disoriented couldn't put her thoughts together. The hospice folks were over this morning as well and they were trying to orient me to end of life issues - which was just ripping me up inside. But later in the afternoon, after a long deep sleep, Joyce woke up and, tho still a little loopy, was up with us for the rest of the evening, took a shower, had dinner watched some TV with Noelle, our daughter, and had a very calm and pain free time. I'm about to crash now and pray we both can sleep thru the nite without incident.



God bless all of you as you continue to lift up me and my family - we appreciate your love and care beyond words. Stay close to Jesus and keep serving one another - that's what our spiritual family is all about!



In His Arm's,



Pat

Tuesday, 6-12 - late

Thanks for all the kind and supportive comments and encouraging emails. Each day, since we decided to stop Joyce's chemo and switch over to hospice care, has been a challenge. Joyce has had several episodes of severe abdominal/pelvic pain and they have been exhausting both for her and I. Her nurse upped her morphine again this morning and she had a painfree but pretty zoned out day today. It's a fine balance we're learning between effective pain control and clear thinking. We both have had moments of emotional crumbling when her pain is bad - please pray that I might have extra strength in those times - and that the Lord would put His arm's around her.

And right in the middle of all this, I had to see my heart doc today and have to fast tomorrow and drink some gross chemicals in prep for a colonoscopy on Thursday - no stress here :-)

I think Switchfoot had a line on one of the songs from "Beautiful Letdown" : "...my fears have worn me out!" Not completely, but I'm being taken deeper in my faith than ever before to trust that He has not given me a spirit of bondage again to fear - but of power and love and a sound mind!

I know we're not the only one's hurting in the church. We know of many who are also battling cancer and other illnesses and need His comfort and our compassion and care. Help us all Lord to be Your hands and arms and words to those in need around us in these days.

Blessings! Pat

Sat. June 9

Well I need to give you all an update. In a nutshell, Joyce decided to stop all chemotherapy this past Wednesday and I agreed with her. After reviewing the results of her recent scans and tests we were told the present chemo she is on is no longer effectively acting against her cancer.
The statistical chances of any other chemo being effective were less than 15% and the side effects of the other treatments would likely be worse because of her weakened condition already. Also, further treatment, would not, even if it worked, extend her life more than a few months and she would probably be very sick during that time. Without any treatment the doc said she statistically had 4 to 6 months left - maybe 8 tops - given the amount and types of chemo she has had and the advanced stage of the cancer. We know God may have another timetable!

So after a couple of days of reflecting and talking and praying we decided to change course and switch from paliative care to hospice care. It's really kind of a relief to move ahead now and see what God may do. We are thankful for all the treatment and care she recieved over the past three and a half years and we have peace that we did everything possible medically and now it's time to focus on quality of life. Thru hospice she will still have the same nurse and doc we had in the paliative care program and she will continue to recieve all the medications and care she needs to help keep her as comfortable as possible.

She is not bedridden and though she has periods where the pain is really bad, it usually doesn't last more than a few hours, and then she's OK and able to be up and doing things - like shopping :-). I took her Thursday and Noelle took her yesterday. She had a rough evening last nite but slept good and is ready to get her hair done this afternoon! We're just praying that her body will have some time to rid itself of the toxins from all the chemo and that she'll be able to enjoy life for a while.

Again we want to thank all of you who continue to be so faithful in praying for us - we feel very much loved and cared for!

In His Arm's,

Pat

Wed. 6-6

The news from Joyce's oncologist wasn't what we hoped for. She is not having chemo tomorrow. We're gonna need a few days to evaluate her options. I'll probably miss a couple days on Proverbs. I'll fill in more over the weekend. Love to all! Pat

Tues. 6-5; Prov. 5

Quick update. Just got home a couple hours ago after spending most of the day in the ER at Kaiser in San Diego. Joyce again woke early, around 5am. with severe abdominal pain that didn't let up all morning despite all her pain meds - nothing touched it. Our palliative care nurse thought it would be best to get her evaluated in the ER. After 6 hours and a couple of tests that were inconclusive as to the direct cause of her pain which finally let up mid afternoon, the doc said she could go home if she wanted to - which she did. He gave her some antibiotics because of a slight bladder infection they found - but he didn't think that was the cause of her pain. She's sleeping soundly right now, 9pm, and I'm pretty wiped out. Wasn't able to even look at Proverbs 5 til right now.

Suffice it to say that the whole chapter is about avoiding immorality - which in our day we all need to ponder and act according to the wisdom of God revealed here, and not forget that: the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and He ponders all his paths. Prov 5:21

Thanks for your prayers! Pat

Mon. 6-4; Proverbs 4

Joyce had a rough night last night - lot's of pain in her hips mostly. She sleeping well this morning but could you take a moment and just lift her up to the Lord today?

In Proverbs 4 we have a compact strategy for avoiding temptation and particularly for navigating thru the flood of immorality all around us today.

6 actions in these 2 verses if practiced, will see you thru.

14 Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of evil.
15 Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn away from it and pass on.

1. Don't enter the path (don't go thru the door) Don't even start in the direction of the way of the wicked.

2. Don't walk in the way; give no appearence of evil; don't allow your lifestyle to be associated in any way with evil.

3. Avoid it! Pretty simple but so difficult for many. Don't bring it into your house; don't go out of your way to find it; and if it pops up in front of you - flee from evil.

4. Don't travel upon it - not even once in a while;

5. Turn away from it! Guys especially - it's that look of lust that opens the door and starts you down the path of sexual sin. Guard your eyes. Starve your eyes from looking and your mind won't dwell on it. Bounce your eye's - turn away from the pretty girl who is not your wife! Remember this fellows - sexual sin is getting a "buzz" from any woman or depiction of a woman other than your wife. Wisdom says turn away - if you do you'll guard your heart.

6. Pass on. Don't linger around the evil way. It calls out to you - you pass right on by.

We're all confronted with evil every day - try putting into practice these "power verses' from Proverbs 4 today and walk in the right, good way!

In His Arm's, Pat